Friday, December 4, 2009
Saturday, November 21, 2009
The Pope Says He Wants More Art
The Pope says he wants to foster the relationship between artists and the church more because the path to beauty can lead to the Ultimate Mystery - to God.
Go Benedict!! I like this guy.
Just told Samm I probably won't convert but... glad he accepts me as the Catholophile I am becoming. ha ha.
READ IT HERE
Really hard month - really good day
I'm pooped but so deeply thankful for a good day. I feel squeezed dry and yet so strangely content. I am falling in love with my kids --in a uh non-predatory sense of course. :) I am learning how to be myself with them, how to yell when they are being crazy ("NO THROWING BALLS IN THE YOUTH ROOM," "EVERYBODY START MOVING TOWARD THE GYM...NOW!"), how to laugh hard both at and with them, how to enjoy their energy, their chaos, their insecurities, their need for affirmation, their need for hugs, their need for me to be strong in my leadership and not let them (or their parents) push me around.
And on top of that, worship (it was Christ the King week) was... so great. People actually sang, and we did this really rocking version of All Hail the Power of Jesus Name and when we did Be Thou My Vision I was undone by how beautiful it was! I don't mean ME I mean, like, the band all did such a great job! It flowed!
I told Samm it was like I made a movie today - the effort, the energy, the rewards - yet only the people who were there saw it. Today can never be replayed. Only I realize how important it was for me after a really, really tough 2 months at this church.
I forgot - maybe I never knew - that what I am attempting to do is in direct rebellion against the Powers that be. Meaning, darkness is, temporarily, on the surface of things, ruling. People are mean, people are starving, people are selfish. The world is cracking apart and I, little doubting selfish apathetic me is attempting to run in against the Tsunami of darkness and live in the light. And proclaim the light. And try to light some other teeny candles with my own flickering wick amidst the winds and rains and incoming waves.
OF COURSE it's been hard.
Leander preached tonight at the 5:30 service and told the story about Robin Hood (old version) where the people are fighting and all of a sudden, one soldier opens his cloak and reveals that he is King Arthur and he has been fighting with them all along. And this, Leander says, is how it is. The King appears weak to us now, or... more like doesn't appear at all sometimes. But He's fighting in our midst, invisibly, and He's going to win and one day the veil will be gone and we will see Him on His throne.
And on top of that, worship (it was Christ the King week) was... so great. People actually sang, and we did this really rocking version of All Hail the Power of Jesus Name and when we did Be Thou My Vision I was undone by how beautiful it was! I don't mean ME I mean, like, the band all did such a great job! It flowed!
I told Samm it was like I made a movie today - the effort, the energy, the rewards - yet only the people who were there saw it. Today can never be replayed. Only I realize how important it was for me after a really, really tough 2 months at this church.
I forgot - maybe I never knew - that what I am attempting to do is in direct rebellion against the Powers that be. Meaning, darkness is, temporarily, on the surface of things, ruling. People are mean, people are starving, people are selfish. The world is cracking apart and I, little doubting selfish apathetic me is attempting to run in against the Tsunami of darkness and live in the light. And proclaim the light. And try to light some other teeny candles with my own flickering wick amidst the winds and rains and incoming waves.
OF COURSE it's been hard.
Leander preached tonight at the 5:30 service and told the story about Robin Hood (old version) where the people are fighting and all of a sudden, one soldier opens his cloak and reveals that he is King Arthur and he has been fighting with them all along. And this, Leander says, is how it is. The King appears weak to us now, or... more like doesn't appear at all sometimes. But He's fighting in our midst, invisibly, and He's going to win and one day the veil will be gone and we will see Him on His throne.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Click here to read about my new posting skills
So if I write some stuff here and then you are interested and want to keep reading
you click the title and see that I am...
Experimenting with my posts. I needed to hide the body because, well, I ramble. So for my few followers, sorry about all the experimental posts. YAY FOR HTML! wow!
Currently writing a fun paper i think I will post later. Favorite sentence thus that I have written (it's an indication that I'm tired too, I think):
you click the title and see that I am...
Experimenting with my posts. I needed to hide the body because, well, I ramble. So for my few followers, sorry about all the experimental posts. YAY FOR HTML! wow!
Currently writing a fun paper i think I will post later. Favorite sentence thus that I have written (it's an indication that I'm tired too, I think):
As a bold and unique crosspollination of research, Stark’s book hit scholarship circles like a new girl in a small town.;)
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
We call it "eschatological hope"
Though style-wise, it's not my cup of tea, I was deeply moved by the honesty in Steven Curtis Chapman's new album "Beauty Will Rise." The idea that his belief in God shattered, yet the hope is not gone. His certainty and cliche "diving deep" has become more like the desperate swim of one drowning and yet he clings to the faith in those around him, those can keep believing. It is a beautiful picture. I'm sure (and desperately hope) he struggles with using something so deeply personal and intense for making radio hits. The line between hope and what sells is a tricky one, but anyways, if anyone has earned the right to finally write some honest Christian lyrics about pain and doubt, he has.
In an interview a few months after the accident, they acknowledged - um yes of course we doubt God.
In an interview a few months after the accident, they acknowledged - um yes of course we doubt God.
"We have talked a lot," said Steven Curtis. "And you will hear all of us talk about the process of grieving with hope. That's what has kept us breathing, kept us alive is that while we are grieving this process, there is a hope that we have, that we're anchored to in the midst of just what sometimes seems unbearable."
When asked whether or not the accident brought them to question their faith, Chapman confessed that it did "absolutely", but explained to the GMA anchor that faith is believing without having all the answers.
"My son said the other day that, 'You know, yeah, we are family - like people say - of great faith ... but we're a family with a lot of questions,'" Chapman said. "But that's what faith is. It's living with the questions. That doesn't mean you have the answers. That's exactly what faith is."
What the Chapman family are sure of, however, is that they will see Maria again.
Monday, November 16, 2009
New blog look and also a wonderful day
I told Jodi I only journal when I'm sad and if someone reads my journal when I'm dead (what are the odds of that, honestly) they will think I lived a tragic life. So, posterity (who will even less likely read a blog...!): let it be known that I have good days too.
Today was great because:
- I took a shower and hair actually turned out halfway cute, albeit waaaay frizzy (neither are daily guarantees)
- I went to school all day which i love so much, my brain is swimming in wonderful thoughts:
+ learned about the relational and receptive nature of personhood from Prof. Bill Witt. Reading excellent little book Person and Being by W. Norris Clarke inspired by Barth and Card. Ratzinger and based on Thomas Aquinas... basically giving a much needed structure/substance to compliment the recent emphasis on persons as relational. I managed to sneak in an example into my paper from all the blogs I was reading instead of writing my paper all weekend: in these blogs i learned about the breast crawl (babies do it when they're born if you put them on your chest!), organic baby carriers, fabric diapers, orgasmic birth, and well... oh, you ask is there some news? Nope. Just living vicariously through people's blogs.
K, so snippet from this morning's class notes:
+ learned about how cool the gospel of Mark is - never gave it much credit, seemed to short and to the point to be any fun. Also appreciate the purposefulness of the gospel authors so much more hearing Grant talk about them: they have so much political, theological meaning, not just stories.
- Went to Beaver and had taco salad with the Fam. Also. Did laundry there. YAYAYAY!
- Came home and on the drive heard a woman on the radio ask what is wrong with herself/me that there are 140+ million orphans in our world. She cried the whole way through her speech. I cried while i was driving. My life is so... sheltered - easy- painless - self absorbed. My center is ME not my Maker who aches for these little children. Samm and I want to adopt. I hope we actually do. I struggle with the waiting lists, the hastle, the idea that other couples who can't conceive want kids more than I do... yet... then why the millions of uncared for kids?!? Is it just because they are damaged goods? Not babies? God forgive me for ignoring them. God help me know what on earth little me can do about it.
- Highlight: came home and went to Max's Tavern with dear dear friends and husband dear. Talked about how hard surrender is. How everyone's spiritual life looks better than our own. How orphans overwhelm us. How I have a "fear of men" which Samm pointed out, is not a feminist thing to say. So ok, I have a fear of humans. I fear they will not be happy with me and so I cater to them, I let them convince me so that they will not be mad at me. Selfish. Need a new orientation. Happy to have honest and good friends.
Oh yes, and it all began with yogurt and pumpkin spice granola from Trader Joes.
Today was great because:
- I took a shower and hair actually turned out halfway cute, albeit waaaay frizzy (neither are daily guarantees)
- I went to school all day which i love so much, my brain is swimming in wonderful thoughts:
+ learned about the relational and receptive nature of personhood from Prof. Bill Witt. Reading excellent little book Person and Being by W. Norris Clarke inspired by Barth and Card. Ratzinger and based on Thomas Aquinas... basically giving a much needed structure/substance to compliment the recent emphasis on persons as relational. I managed to sneak in an example into my paper from all the blogs I was reading instead of writing my paper all weekend: in these blogs i learned about the breast crawl (babies do it when they're born if you put them on your chest!), organic baby carriers, fabric diapers, orgasmic birth, and well... oh, you ask is there some news? Nope. Just living vicariously through people's blogs.
K, so snippet from this morning's class notes:
Creation as a good thing
+ learned about how cool the gospel of Mark is - never gave it much credit, seemed to short and to the point to be any fun. Also appreciate the purposefulness of the gospel authors so much more hearing Grant talk about them: they have so much political, theological meaning, not just stories.
- Went to Beaver and had taco salad with the Fam. Also. Did laundry there. YAYAYAY!
- Came home and on the drive heard a woman on the radio ask what is wrong with herself/me that there are 140+ million orphans in our world. She cried the whole way through her speech. I cried while i was driving. My life is so... sheltered - easy- painless - self absorbed. My center is ME not my Maker who aches for these little children. Samm and I want to adopt. I hope we actually do. I struggle with the waiting lists, the hastle, the idea that other couples who can't conceive want kids more than I do... yet... then why the millions of uncared for kids?!? Is it just because they are damaged goods? Not babies? God forgive me for ignoring them. God help me know what on earth little me can do about it.
- Highlight: came home and went to Max's Tavern with dear dear friends and husband dear. Talked about how hard surrender is. How everyone's spiritual life looks better than our own. How orphans overwhelm us. How I have a "fear of men" which Samm pointed out, is not a feminist thing to say. So ok, I have a fear of humans. I fear they will not be happy with me and so I cater to them, I let them convince me so that they will not be mad at me. Selfish. Need a new orientation. Happy to have honest and good friends.
Oh yes, and it all began with yogurt and pumpkin spice granola from Trader Joes.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Crisis in the catholic Church
So I've been reading all morning - articles about lawsuits between The Episcopal Church and the Anglican Church in North America (and hence, the church where I work!). I also spent a good few hours reading articles, Barna surveys, and blogs about abstinence, divorce, teen sex, and sexuality...
I am planning a high school retreat where we're gonna "talk about sex." And while I try to sort out my thoughts and construct a cohesive teaching from Scripture about marriage and sex (to kids who are not at all convinced sex is for marriage) - I hear the ear-piercing creaking and groaning over my head of churches, denominations, the "catholic" church (in the sense of universal, not Catholic...) unable to contain the multiplicity of views on this very topic. We are breaking to pieces all over the place. Anglicans. Lutherans. Presbyterians.
And why does it matter so much what we think about sex? Because it's indicative. Because the conversation I hear bishops, theologians and pastors arguing about in sermons, on the blogs and in the courts reminds me very much of the teeny bopper website Scarleteen.
Scarleteen's approach is feminist, I think the founder is Buddhist, and though I was delighted to see her advocating girls and women to "chart their cycles" (YESSS), I was quite astonished to see the way the site's premise unfolded in so many witty stories and entries:
What matters when it comes to sex is: your. pleasure.
The cute girly website offers stories to set you at ease about your own "sexYOUality" ...stories about a 17 yr old girl who is in a long term "polyamorous" (three-some+) relationship. Another one is "asexual." Many are "bi-sexual." The vanilla ones are 15 and having sex with someone of the opposite sex.
I read a lot of letters today, a lot of lay people, priests, theologians standing up. Saying enough is enough. The cause of Christ is about being a holy people set apart and acting as agents of redemption - the hands and feet of the Savior. Which means something about us should echo that we come from a foreign land. From Eden, a place where sex is great and peace prevails.
On a personal note, I struggle to feel out my place in this discussion. I want to go to school! Want to write a dissertation and join a faculty and get writing and talking and continue working in the church! But I look at Pittsburgh, I look at my age, and I just wonder how it all fits. What to pursue and where and when. No, I know what. Theology of gender. Raising the bar and redeeming our view of genderdness. Being part of the conversation of pastoral care to the sexually broken (ehem...all of us).
As several people have reminded me lately, if I am answering a call, chasing a vocation that God created me to chase, than I will figure out my path. One step at a time.
I am planning a high school retreat where we're gonna "talk about sex." And while I try to sort out my thoughts and construct a cohesive teaching from Scripture about marriage and sex (to kids who are not at all convinced sex is for marriage) - I hear the ear-piercing creaking and groaning over my head of churches, denominations, the "catholic" church (in the sense of universal, not Catholic...) unable to contain the multiplicity of views on this very topic. We are breaking to pieces all over the place. Anglicans. Lutherans. Presbyterians.
And why does it matter so much what we think about sex? Because it's indicative. Because the conversation I hear bishops, theologians and pastors arguing about in sermons, on the blogs and in the courts reminds me very much of the teeny bopper website Scarleteen.
Scarleteen's approach is feminist, I think the founder is Buddhist, and though I was delighted to see her advocating girls and women to "chart their cycles" (YESSS), I was quite astonished to see the way the site's premise unfolded in so many witty stories and entries:
What matters when it comes to sex is: your. pleasure.
The cute girly website offers stories to set you at ease about your own "sexYOUality" ...stories about a 17 yr old girl who is in a long term "polyamorous" (three-some+) relationship. Another one is "asexual." Many are "bi-sexual." The vanilla ones are 15 and having sex with someone of the opposite sex.I read a lot of letters today, a lot of lay people, priests, theologians standing up. Saying enough is enough. The cause of Christ is about being a holy people set apart and acting as agents of redemption - the hands and feet of the Savior. Which means something about us should echo that we come from a foreign land. From Eden, a place where sex is great and peace prevails.
On a personal note, I struggle to feel out my place in this discussion. I want to go to school! Want to write a dissertation and join a faculty and get writing and talking and continue working in the church! But I look at Pittsburgh, I look at my age, and I just wonder how it all fits. What to pursue and where and when. No, I know what. Theology of gender. Raising the bar and redeeming our view of genderdness. Being part of the conversation of pastoral care to the sexually broken (ehem...all of us).
As several people have reminded me lately, if I am answering a call, chasing a vocation that God created me to chase, than I will figure out my path. One step at a time.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
First TIme (This Semester) Putting Off Homework By Blogging...
So class started Monday, and now it is Wednesday. Already I am feeling the weight of both worlds I am trying to live in - ministry (emails to write, dates to decide, texts to send, people to follow up with, receipts to turn in...) and school (books to read, essays to critique, papers to write...).
We got through step #430 in the house buying process: URA approved our 2nd mortgage of $55,000 with 0 interest and if we stay longer than 5 years we only have to pay 75% of it back. YAY.
It is fun to watch them building the house literally outside our window. Second story went up yesterday. Second story! I feel so grown up thinking about it. Too grown up these days, too stressed out by silly stuff like bills, checking account balances, etc. 3rd pic is what it's supposed to look like eventually...
Samm bought a motorcycle yesterday. He'd been dreaming of it for a while, but somehow it seemed quite sudden. It's cute and small and retro (1974 orange Honda). I am a little bit thrilled deep down but sadly, mostly have played the part of the disconcerted and fearful wife. Not actually a fun role to play. Why do we act differently than we WANT to act? Isn't that one of the driving mysteries of the universe?
I'm taking apologetics and reading Orthodoxy for my confirmation class I'm teaching. Between the two, I'm thinking a lot these days about the mysteries of the universe. (ha)
Why is there order and sense? Why is there beauty? Why is the beauty so throbbingly broken and wounded? Why are WE so wounded?
I feel both excited and let down by all the marvelous books written on these topics. Greater men/women than me have wrestled long into the night with these questions. Yet the challenge is how to find comfort in someone else's wrestlings. How to connect their thoughts to ours. How to actually take the Words of Hope we have been given from God and find meaning in them for our mismatched and sticky lives.
One good thing that has been clear this week amidst the blur of homework, deadlines, coming visitors, bills, mortgages, etc. is the desire to study/research/teach in the area of ... I guess "theological anthroplogy." The need for biblical scholars to work together with theologians to articulate a biblical theology of sexuality is urgent. Timely. Necessary.
I feel more and more interested in studying these issues in a catholic context (surprise!). I mean, I am open, but the idea that they pursue theology from a philosophical standpoint really intrigues me. I spent the last hour reading CVs of female theology profs (not all Catholic women) at Notre Dame and Dusquesne tracing their journeys, counting the years between BA and MA and MDIV and PHD and trying to imagine when/IF they have had a family, and what their practical ministry was life in between courses. Not to mention... do they ever have time to bake muffins? Do they garden? Do they have coffee with friends?
There are clearly other people doing what I want to do. I just need to MEET one of them... I feel a bit out to lunch as to the reality of my pursuits.
I read the title of a book today "The Best Life Aint Easy, But It's Worth It." (under Moody Pub's Books 'for women, by women.') I agree with the title so far.
So. Back to that life...
We got through step #430 in the house buying process: URA approved our 2nd mortgage of $55,000 with 0 interest and if we stay longer than 5 years we only have to pay 75% of it back. YAY.
It is fun to watch them building the house literally outside our window. Second story went up yesterday. Second story! I feel so grown up thinking about it. Too grown up these days, too stressed out by silly stuff like bills, checking account balances, etc. 3rd pic is what it's supposed to look like eventually...
Samm bought a motorcycle yesterday. He'd been dreaming of it for a while, but somehow it seemed quite sudden. It's cute and small and retro (1974 orange Honda). I am a little bit thrilled deep down but sadly, mostly have played the part of the disconcerted and fearful wife. Not actually a fun role to play. Why do we act differently than we WANT to act? Isn't that one of the driving mysteries of the universe?
I'm taking apologetics and reading Orthodoxy for my confirmation class I'm teaching. Between the two, I'm thinking a lot these days about the mysteries of the universe. (ha)
Why is there order and sense? Why is there beauty? Why is the beauty so throbbingly broken and wounded? Why are WE so wounded?
I feel both excited and let down by all the marvelous books written on these topics. Greater men/women than me have wrestled long into the night with these questions. Yet the challenge is how to find comfort in someone else's wrestlings. How to connect their thoughts to ours. How to actually take the Words of Hope we have been given from God and find meaning in them for our mismatched and sticky lives.
One good thing that has been clear this week amidst the blur of homework, deadlines, coming visitors, bills, mortgages, etc. is the desire to study/research/teach in the area of ... I guess "theological anthroplogy." The need for biblical scholars to work together with theologians to articulate a biblical theology of sexuality is urgent. Timely. Necessary.
I feel more and more interested in studying these issues in a catholic context (surprise!). I mean, I am open, but the idea that they pursue theology from a philosophical standpoint really intrigues me. I spent the last hour reading CVs of female theology profs (not all Catholic women) at Notre Dame and Dusquesne tracing their journeys, counting the years between BA and MA and MDIV and PHD and trying to imagine when/IF they have had a family, and what their practical ministry was life in between courses. Not to mention... do they ever have time to bake muffins? Do they garden? Do they have coffee with friends?
There are clearly other people doing what I want to do. I just need to MEET one of them... I feel a bit out to lunch as to the reality of my pursuits.
I read the title of a book today "The Best Life Aint Easy, But It's Worth It." (under Moody Pub's Books 'for women, by women.') I agree with the title so far.
So. Back to that life...
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Shouldn't be Blogging Right Now
I have to bike downtown to a cafe to meet someone from my old job - Northwestern Mutual who somehow managed to beat me at my old game and get an appointment scheduled with me to discuss finances! The sum of the conversation of my financial goals: to have finances.
In the meantime, I am intent upon keeping up the blog this semester not because I will have more time (such is not the case!) but because there will be so much to process!
I am taking:
Apologetics
Bib. Theology of Mission
Anglican Essentials
And I am beginning to lead music at the Sat. service at Fox Chapel officially beginning this week. And that means my old Sat. hours become more "youth min" hours. And I am an overachiever and have millions of goals for the youth ministry this fall.
And we're trying to buy a house.
Etc.
But I have to be able to process, to write about what I'm thinking or I will go crazy this fall.
Blogs are somewhere between journal entries and coffee dates with friends. Strange animals. But at this juncture in my life, I welcome any means to share my heart with those who have in the past so inspired, encouraged, and prompted my internal stirrings toward the heavenly, my questions about our sodden reality, and our need to live suspended somewhere between the two worlds.
In the meantime, here is a picture from a double biking date with my parents this week: Samm had cut part of his beard going for the "wolverine/elvis" look for the day:
In the meantime, I am intent upon keeping up the blog this semester not because I will have more time (such is not the case!) but because there will be so much to process!
I am taking:
Apologetics
Bib. Theology of Mission
Anglican Essentials
And I am beginning to lead music at the Sat. service at Fox Chapel officially beginning this week. And that means my old Sat. hours become more "youth min" hours. And I am an overachiever and have millions of goals for the youth ministry this fall.
And we're trying to buy a house.
Etc.
But I have to be able to process, to write about what I'm thinking or I will go crazy this fall.
Blogs are somewhere between journal entries and coffee dates with friends. Strange animals. But at this juncture in my life, I welcome any means to share my heart with those who have in the past so inspired, encouraged, and prompted my internal stirrings toward the heavenly, my questions about our sodden reality, and our need to live suspended somewhere between the two worlds.
In the meantime, here is a picture from a double biking date with my parents this week: Samm had cut part of his beard going for the "wolverine/elvis" look for the day:
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Trip of Anniversaryness
Drove to Chicago...all things go, all things go. After a delightful few days going to Bricks Pizza, having a long coffee date with Maralynn, and seeing friends at a concert, we reserved our last day for "annivsaryness."
On June 2nd we spent the day visiting places where we had romantic/significant/fun memories...
This is front of 3rd Coast, a dimly lit cafe with creative art, wonderful food, and usually deep brooding music. We went here about a million times for scones and coffee, often as friends, but it made a great date place later (so close to Moody) and then when we got married our apartment was right around the corner.
We had falofel at Sultan's. It was delish. We wish they would open one in Pittsburgh.
This is outside Myopic, the eclectic used book store where one fateful afternoon while we browsed and I was waxing eloquent about how nuanced the gay/lesbian/trans/bi community is and how wrongly they've been treated by the church in the past, Samm began to think of me as a bit more than a friend. We did not buy any books, either time.
We went to Ear Wax Cafe for lattes as we had that same afternoon after our freshman visit to Myopic. This was before I knew what indie even meant. Seriously, at that point I thought it had something to do with India.
Me and my latte - er cafe au lait actually. It was lovely.
We went to a different book store next in Logan Square (Book Cellar) and actually bought books, and we read for a while near the lake. Being Chicago, it was freezing (JUNE 2nd) so we stayed in our car. Finally we headed to Angelina's - the Italian ristorante where we began dating. You can see in the pictures above how adorable it is. We sat in the same window seat (top left pic) as the first time! Fabulous meal, and unbelievable wine (thank you Alyosha and Sarah!!!).
Kissing outside the restaurant.
Silliness.
more fun...
And finally the lovely hotel room where we stayed that night. probably not necessary to include that.
Yay for being even more in love now than we were when we got married.
Bike Pittsburgh
http://bike-pgh.org/
just discovered this great site... helen and i are planning trips on our bikes. too bad at the moment it is raining quite hard. darn.
Banjo Night Will Change Your Life
So. Every Wed night on the northside in Pittsburgh the Banjo Club has a practice at the Elks Lodge which is open to the public. So. The place is mostly packed with very senior citizens but 2 or 3 tables are filled with enthusiastic hipsters flirting, enjoying the cheap pitchers of beer and exchanging trendy business cards.
So unlikely, so wonderful. They play old war time favorites, classics recalled by the band as sung by a 19 year old Doris Day (I didn't realize she used to be 19, never crossed my mind.)
I will be returning to Banjo Night. It's my new favorite place.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Summer Stickiness
It's warm now - skirt wearing - bare arms warm. Which means open windows, the sound of construction, and fans blowing loudly. Our apartment is 2nd floor so...will be a long summer.
Helen's here, we're having coffee together. I've been buying loads of fresh peppers, corn, salad, etc. I love all the color, the freshness. I biked down to the strip, about a 15 min. ride, and it's even better than a farmer's market - cheaper. Brighter. Longer. You can get chicken and sausage and fish so cheap and wonderful international cheeses (from a lady who calls you "dearheart" no less). You can buy plants put in your garden and crafts and delicious coffee.
Like Europe, but much closer.
In "Europe" Kristy is about to have her baby. It is quite painful to not be there, to feel so helpless, to not be able to pat her belly even once during her pregnancy. I think she will visit early fall, so I will see the baby eventually, but it's hard.
Work feels slow, the students are so busy. Yesterday I had a lovely chat (over coffee, of course) with 2 high school girls. They told me the youth group is "soooo" much better than this point last year. That people actually want to come now. They can't, because they're so busy, but apparently now they want to. This was news to me, and I felt better.
I've been dreaming about PHDs - dreaming isn't the right word. Contemplating. Considering. Wondering. I have started looking at a Catholic school downtown which would be interesting... systematic theology from a Catholic perspective. I think it could be amazing. I want to approach a "theology of gender" and I am weary of the old arguments in evangelical circles. I really appreciate the Catholic views on fertility (well - they take it farther than i do, but i like the mindset), family, marriage, and the body. I wonder if ecumenical dialogue isn't an important part of this whole discussion on a "christian understanding of the two genders." If i went to this school, I would be teaching undergrad classes. Sounds so so so fun. And that is what propels me forward. Ah yes, teaching. I guess it just sounds far away. And how hirable would I be if I had a degree from this school? I wish I knew! I think I'll email some professors from moody, see what they think.
Helen's here, we're having coffee together. I've been buying loads of fresh peppers, corn, salad, etc. I love all the color, the freshness. I biked down to the strip, about a 15 min. ride, and it's even better than a farmer's market - cheaper. Brighter. Longer. You can get chicken and sausage and fish so cheap and wonderful international cheeses (from a lady who calls you "dearheart" no less). You can buy plants put in your garden and crafts and delicious coffee.
Like Europe, but much closer.
In "Europe" Kristy is about to have her baby. It is quite painful to not be there, to feel so helpless, to not be able to pat her belly even once during her pregnancy. I think she will visit early fall, so I will see the baby eventually, but it's hard.
Work feels slow, the students are so busy. Yesterday I had a lovely chat (over coffee, of course) with 2 high school girls. They told me the youth group is "soooo" much better than this point last year. That people actually want to come now. They can't, because they're so busy, but apparently now they want to. This was news to me, and I felt better.
I've been dreaming about PHDs - dreaming isn't the right word. Contemplating. Considering. Wondering. I have started looking at a Catholic school downtown which would be interesting... systematic theology from a Catholic perspective. I think it could be amazing. I want to approach a "theology of gender" and I am weary of the old arguments in evangelical circles. I really appreciate the Catholic views on fertility (well - they take it farther than i do, but i like the mindset), family, marriage, and the body. I wonder if ecumenical dialogue isn't an important part of this whole discussion on a "christian understanding of the two genders." If i went to this school, I would be teaching undergrad classes. Sounds so so so fun. And that is what propels me forward. Ah yes, teaching. I guess it just sounds far away. And how hirable would I be if I had a degree from this school? I wish I knew! I think I'll email some professors from moody, see what they think.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
"love song to pittsburgh"
samm and lukie made this in the park with 3000 still photos. i think it is lovely.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
The subplot develops
So much on my mind - just found out I get to do another sermon mid- May, this time for the traditional AND the contemporary service. Much bigger deal. I was supposed to be doing Greek (almost done!!!) and instead I kept jotting down ideas. Who would have ever thought I would be a preacher? (think Meg Ryan...)
It's been summer-hot here lately, as in: can hardly sleep even with the fan on, I actually wore SHORTS in public, and I put sunscreen on before I went out to garden the other day. Garden! My new hopes and dreams are being realized in what I like to call my "subplot" in the community garden. It is a rejected bit of land right outside the fence. One half is "guarded" by a dumpy looking car. Which means people won't see the veggies and steal them. So far I have only removed a considerable amount of litter and weeded. Next, when Samm and I are lucky enough to have money again, I will buy manure and seeds and probably a few starter plants. Don't worry, I will keep you posted on that.
In other news, I had a really shockingly fun time at the first Youth Group retreat... I think everyone actually had an amazing time (the epic games helped, no doubt) and I felt like they really listened when we talked about them each being a "living stone."
Here is the quote that summarized my challenge to them:
Community is like a large mosaic. Each little piece seems so insignificant.
One piece is bright red, another cold blue or dull green, another
warm purple, another sharp yellow, another shining gold.
Some look precious, others ordinary. Some look valuable, others worthless.
Some look gaudy, others delicate.
As individuals stones, we can do little with them except
compare them and judge their beauty and value.
When, however, all these little stones are brought together
in one big mosaic portraying the face of Christ,
who would ever question the importance of any one of them?
If one of them, even the least spectacular one, is missing, the face is incomplete.
Together in the one mosaic, each little stone is indispensable
and makes a unique contribution to the glory of God. That’s community,
a fellowship of little people who together make God visible in the world.
— Henri Nouwen, Can You Drink the Cup?
The challenge must have taken root, because the group bonded a ton and now all my little stones are dating each other! Eeek! Had not planned on that.
It's been summer-hot here lately, as in: can hardly sleep even with the fan on, I actually wore SHORTS in public, and I put sunscreen on before I went out to garden the other day. Garden! My new hopes and dreams are being realized in what I like to call my "subplot" in the community garden. It is a rejected bit of land right outside the fence. One half is "guarded" by a dumpy looking car. Which means people won't see the veggies and steal them. So far I have only removed a considerable amount of litter and weeded. Next, when Samm and I are lucky enough to have money again, I will buy manure and seeds and probably a few starter plants. Don't worry, I will keep you posted on that.
In other news, I had a really shockingly fun time at the first Youth Group retreat... I think everyone actually had an amazing time (the epic games helped, no doubt) and I felt like they really listened when we talked about them each being a "living stone."
Here is the quote that summarized my challenge to them:
Community is like a large mosaic. Each little piece seems so insignificant.
One piece is bright red, another cold blue or dull green, another
warm purple, another sharp yellow, another shining gold.
Some look precious, others ordinary. Some look valuable, others worthless.
Some look gaudy, others delicate.
As individuals stones, we can do little with them except
compare them and judge their beauty and value.
When, however, all these little stones are brought together
in one big mosaic portraying the face of Christ,
who would ever question the importance of any one of them?
If one of them, even the least spectacular one, is missing, the face is incomplete.
Together in the one mosaic, each little stone is indispensable
and makes a unique contribution to the glory of God. That’s community,
a fellowship of little people who together make God visible in the world.
— Henri Nouwen, Can You Drink the Cup?
The challenge must have taken root, because the group bonded a ton and now all my little stones are dating each other! Eeek! Had not planned on that.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
This is what happens when Samm is not home...
"ENFPs are warm, enthusiastic people, typically very bright and full of potential. They live in the world of possibilities, and can become very passionate and excited about things. Their enthusiasm lends them the ability to inspire and motivate others, more so than we see in other types. They can talk their way in or out of anything. They love life, seeing it as a special gift, and strive to make the most out of it."
Monday, April 13, 2009
Dr Easely, what do you think?
Easter Vigil – Saturday, April 11, 2009
Liturgy: Lights off, candle brought in, everyone's individual candles lit for the reading of the story of Creation, Exodus, John 1.
My homily:
One of the things I like about the Bible is that instead of being a long list of a of points about God and facts and dates and rules, it actually has a lot of stories and a lot of images or metaphors. For example, Christ describes himself as the “Good Shepherd.” I don’t about you, but I don’t have a lot of experience with sheep. Or really any animals except my cat. But my friend Luke who is living in Mongolia was recently trying to describe Christ to this nomad he met, and it was clearly not making a bit of sense to him. He mentioned Christ’s description of himself as the Good Shepherd and bam, suddenly the nomad got all excited. He could relate to that. So there are lots of images throughout the Bible that help us to relate to God. These images help us make a connection between our real everyday life and thoughts and the Holy God of the Universe.
As you probably noticed, the image that the church celebrates on Easter Vigil is the image of Christ as light coming into darkness. Tracing the ways that this image was used in creation, for the nation of Israel, and then finds its fullfillment in Christ, will help us to see what the dawn of Easter has to do with the darkness in our own lives tonight.
A few weeks ago when it was just beginning to get warmer, Samm and I decided spontaneously to go camping. We grabbed our camping gear and headed to Ohiophyle. Things were going great as we set up camp, made the fire, started preparing dinner. We got out our lantern then realized we had no fuel, only a very shady flashligh. There was no moon, no stars So Samm drove to town to see if he any stores were still open as it was starting to get dark.
I sat there, basically the only person in the whole camp ground, stirring our dinner over the coals, trying to get the flashlight to work, and watching the woods around me fade into complete darkness. . Even with the coals going, I couldn’t see my own hand!
I knew Samm was coming, but each minute in the dark woods seemed like an hour. I started imagining how I would survive the night if Samm got eaten by a bear and didn’t come back… There is nothing like sitting in the dark to really get your imagination going! When I finally saw the bright beams of his headlights coming, I cannot tell you how beautiful they were!
And I think we have all experienced darkness in those nights that never seem to end. Whether it was too much caffeine the night before or some deep fear or dread in us that won’t let our mind rest, we lay in bed, tossing and turning, maybe we even get up…we try not look at our clock. The night seems to stretch endlessly and dawn seems elusive.
So we can all relate to this image in the Bible of the dawn of light coming into darkness.
The image starts at creation
darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters. Then
God merely spoke, "Let there be light," and there was light. Like a king who says a command and then immediately it’s done. He brought light into the dark cosmos in the beginning. The significance of this for the Israelites was that it meant they didn’t just worship a little god of nature like the surrounding nations. The worshipped the God who was over all of nature. Not the god of the sun, light the Egyptians, but the God who merely spoke and there was light.
When God is leading the His chosen people Israel out of slavery in Egypt,
He goes ahead of them in a pillar of cloud to guide them on their way and by night in a pillar of fire to give them light. To guide them. To show His presense with them even through the night, even when they wondered why there were in the wilderness. If I thought camping without a lantern was bad, can you imagine years upon years of camping in the wilderness? This light would have been such a comfort to God’s people! Talk about needing a nightlight.
Later when Israel settles into the land, their King David sings that
The Lord is His light and His salvation – as a result he says, whom shall I fear?...
What I like about this Psalm is that even though David calls God his light, he still admits he does not see clearly. In fact, he cries out later in the psalm, “My heart says of you, "Seek his face!" Your face, Lord, I will seek. He asks God not to hide his face. David waits, he hopes, he longs to see the Lord to bring justice and answer his promises. But even though he is waiting, he finishes this Psalm saying: I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. David clung to God as his light, like the pillar of fire in the wilderness: the light was a reminder of God’s presense, of his promises to David. He held on to that promise, that light during dark times in his life.
In a similar vein of hope during dark times, Isaiah prophesies that one day,
The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of the shadow of death a light has dawned. Isaiah said this light would shatter the yoke that burdens them.
Light continues to be a sign of God’s presense and his promises. Isaiah’s words show that as Israel waiting for the Promised Messiah to come, it felt like the middle of the never ending night. It felt like they were walking in never ending darkness. Maybe kindof like playing Aliens but ongoing…
And in his gospel, John reminds the church that
The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.
We have seen his glory. King David longed to see, he waited, he hoped. The prophets foretold of a light coming, of a savior to come and save Israel. And then they waited, in darkness, in exile, in despair. The Israelites, the kings, the prophets, the regular people, they feared that God’s promises would not come true. That they were holding on to a myth. And when they doubted, they remembered the beginning at creation, when God, as Brueggeman puts it, “terrified the waters…crashed his thunder…shook the earth and scared the wits out of chaos.” As their enemies maintained the upper hand and justice seemed on hold, they remembered that their God merely said the word and light appeared. They waited. But still the darkness remained. The curtain that hung separating the Holy of Holys from the rest of the temple remained as a symbol of the darkness, a symbol of the barrier between God and his people.
And then, John’s gospel tells us, the word which spoke light into being at creation, this word become flesh- skin and bones and blood and hair and fingernails, become flesh, and came and lived here, on the same earth we walk around on now. Imagine the astonishment, the delight of the Israelites who realized that after all the years of waiting, the years of hoping, the hundreds of years of silence in the dark, the The true light that gives light to every man was coming into the world.
And then imagine the disciples who walked around with the Light, believing Hope had finally been answered, imagine them watching him die. Watching the long awaited Light flicker and go out.
So this is where we find ourselves, this Saturday night. We look to the dawn when all will see the Risen One, the Light of Life, the King of Kings who breaks the stronghold of death, of sin, of darkness.
And what is our darkness tonight? I think like the Israelites, we experience the darkness of doubt. Of waiting to hear from God, waiting for him to keep his promises, waiting and wondering if we are fools for believing at all. Also like the Israelites, we experience the darkness of sin as a separation from God. But unlike the Israelites, we as the church, have seen his glory. We know that Light triumphs. And although we wait for His return, He has not left us in total darkness! As we will celebrate at Pentecost – he has left the fire to burn in us now! We get to walk in the Light as He is in the light.
As we approach the Eucharist table tonight, let it be a celebration for us of this the Easter-Dawn mystery: because of his death and resurrection, we as believers can draw near to Him, our Light of Life. In our doubts, in our temptations, in the dark times, in our waiting, we can drawn near to Christ the Light of the World.
Dawn is coming. Let us celebrate: Christ is Risen. Alleluia!
Liturgy: Lights off, candle brought in, everyone's individual candles lit for the reading of the story of Creation, Exodus, John 1.
My homily:
One of the things I like about the Bible is that instead of being a long list of a of points about God and facts and dates and rules, it actually has a lot of stories and a lot of images or metaphors. For example, Christ describes himself as the “Good Shepherd.” I don’t about you, but I don’t have a lot of experience with sheep. Or really any animals except my cat. But my friend Luke who is living in Mongolia was recently trying to describe Christ to this nomad he met, and it was clearly not making a bit of sense to him. He mentioned Christ’s description of himself as the Good Shepherd and bam, suddenly the nomad got all excited. He could relate to that. So there are lots of images throughout the Bible that help us to relate to God. These images help us make a connection between our real everyday life and thoughts and the Holy God of the Universe.
As you probably noticed, the image that the church celebrates on Easter Vigil is the image of Christ as light coming into darkness. Tracing the ways that this image was used in creation, for the nation of Israel, and then finds its fullfillment in Christ, will help us to see what the dawn of Easter has to do with the darkness in our own lives tonight.
A few weeks ago when it was just beginning to get warmer, Samm and I decided spontaneously to go camping. We grabbed our camping gear and headed to Ohiophyle. Things were going great as we set up camp, made the fire, started preparing dinner. We got out our lantern then realized we had no fuel, only a very shady flashligh. There was no moon, no stars So Samm drove to town to see if he any stores were still open as it was starting to get dark.
I sat there, basically the only person in the whole camp ground, stirring our dinner over the coals, trying to get the flashlight to work, and watching the woods around me fade into complete darkness. . Even with the coals going, I couldn’t see my own hand!
I knew Samm was coming, but each minute in the dark woods seemed like an hour. I started imagining how I would survive the night if Samm got eaten by a bear and didn’t come back… There is nothing like sitting in the dark to really get your imagination going! When I finally saw the bright beams of his headlights coming, I cannot tell you how beautiful they were!
And I think we have all experienced darkness in those nights that never seem to end. Whether it was too much caffeine the night before or some deep fear or dread in us that won’t let our mind rest, we lay in bed, tossing and turning, maybe we even get up…we try not look at our clock. The night seems to stretch endlessly and dawn seems elusive.
So we can all relate to this image in the Bible of the dawn of light coming into darkness.
The image starts at creation
darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters. Then
God merely spoke, "Let there be light," and there was light. Like a king who says a command and then immediately it’s done. He brought light into the dark cosmos in the beginning. The significance of this for the Israelites was that it meant they didn’t just worship a little god of nature like the surrounding nations. The worshipped the God who was over all of nature. Not the god of the sun, light the Egyptians, but the God who merely spoke and there was light.
When God is leading the His chosen people Israel out of slavery in Egypt,
He goes ahead of them in a pillar of cloud to guide them on their way and by night in a pillar of fire to give them light. To guide them. To show His presense with them even through the night, even when they wondered why there were in the wilderness. If I thought camping without a lantern was bad, can you imagine years upon years of camping in the wilderness? This light would have been such a comfort to God’s people! Talk about needing a nightlight.
Later when Israel settles into the land, their King David sings that
The Lord is His light and His salvation – as a result he says, whom shall I fear?...
What I like about this Psalm is that even though David calls God his light, he still admits he does not see clearly. In fact, he cries out later in the psalm, “My heart says of you, "Seek his face!" Your face, Lord, I will seek. He asks God not to hide his face. David waits, he hopes, he longs to see the Lord to bring justice and answer his promises. But even though he is waiting, he finishes this Psalm saying: I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. David clung to God as his light, like the pillar of fire in the wilderness: the light was a reminder of God’s presense, of his promises to David. He held on to that promise, that light during dark times in his life.
In a similar vein of hope during dark times, Isaiah prophesies that one day,
The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of the shadow of death a light has dawned. Isaiah said this light would shatter the yoke that burdens them.
Light continues to be a sign of God’s presense and his promises. Isaiah’s words show that as Israel waiting for the Promised Messiah to come, it felt like the middle of the never ending night. It felt like they were walking in never ending darkness. Maybe kindof like playing Aliens but ongoing…
And in his gospel, John reminds the church that
The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.
We have seen his glory. King David longed to see, he waited, he hoped. The prophets foretold of a light coming, of a savior to come and save Israel. And then they waited, in darkness, in exile, in despair. The Israelites, the kings, the prophets, the regular people, they feared that God’s promises would not come true. That they were holding on to a myth. And when they doubted, they remembered the beginning at creation, when God, as Brueggeman puts it, “terrified the waters…crashed his thunder…shook the earth and scared the wits out of chaos.” As their enemies maintained the upper hand and justice seemed on hold, they remembered that their God merely said the word and light appeared. They waited. But still the darkness remained. The curtain that hung separating the Holy of Holys from the rest of the temple remained as a symbol of the darkness, a symbol of the barrier between God and his people.
And then, John’s gospel tells us, the word which spoke light into being at creation, this word become flesh- skin and bones and blood and hair and fingernails, become flesh, and came and lived here, on the same earth we walk around on now. Imagine the astonishment, the delight of the Israelites who realized that after all the years of waiting, the years of hoping, the hundreds of years of silence in the dark, the The true light that gives light to every man was coming into the world.
And then imagine the disciples who walked around with the Light, believing Hope had finally been answered, imagine them watching him die. Watching the long awaited Light flicker and go out.
So this is where we find ourselves, this Saturday night. We look to the dawn when all will see the Risen One, the Light of Life, the King of Kings who breaks the stronghold of death, of sin, of darkness.
And what is our darkness tonight? I think like the Israelites, we experience the darkness of doubt. Of waiting to hear from God, waiting for him to keep his promises, waiting and wondering if we are fools for believing at all. Also like the Israelites, we experience the darkness of sin as a separation from God. But unlike the Israelites, we as the church, have seen his glory. We know that Light triumphs. And although we wait for His return, He has not left us in total darkness! As we will celebrate at Pentecost – he has left the fire to burn in us now! We get to walk in the Light as He is in the light.
As we approach the Eucharist table tonight, let it be a celebration for us of this the Easter-Dawn mystery: because of his death and resurrection, we as believers can draw near to Him, our Light of Life. In our doubts, in our temptations, in the dark times, in our waiting, we can drawn near to Christ the Light of the World.
Dawn is coming. Let us celebrate: Christ is Risen. Alleluia!
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Resolution in Music and in Life
This guy is now a prof at Duke Divinity School (on my dream list, ehem).
This is a talk he gave about the connections between story and music, and more specifically, the story of the Beginning and the Hope for Glory and Resolution... made it half way through and Keats stepped on the laptop and i lost it for the moment. Will return soon to finish! In the meantime, I have to put the final touches on my sermon for Saturday. Yikes.
I feel a bit overwhelmed by good music, good thoughts, good books, good friends and how elusive they all are to me. I want them to be MORE in my life than they are.
Friday, April 3, 2009
Some Good Things
We had some friends for thai last night... (samm cooked) (i made home made strawberry shortcake though, it was tasty!). I needed some color to make spring feel more welcome, so i went to the grocery store and bought little flowers. Samm made this box recently for one of the 12 stations of the cross, so I grabbed it and my favorite table decor ever was born! After our friends left I sat and stared happily at it.
I also put these ribbons on some curtains outside the door (from the hallway) into my "studio." Ribbons are usually a good idea.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Sunday, March 15, 2009
So now my question is...
Not sure if it was tiredness or hormones or actual real thoughts (blurry line there) but as I wrote about the “importance of not reading the NT into the OT, and letting the original ache and hope of the Psalm work itself out in our hearts,” I found myself very skeptical that it mattered at all.
All these papers, all these lofty assertions: about correct hermeneutics, about choosing theologically potent songs and prayers for worship, about ecumenism, about women speaking in church, about marriage, about dispensationalism….
What difference does it make?
Each season has a different focus, a different question that seems to rise in my life. And this is the question now. What do all those lovely conclusions mean in the reality of a person’s life?
The people at my church are slowly beginning to open up, to reveal hurts, insecurities, pride, fear, questions… my students (the jr.s and sr.s) do not know where the Bible came from. They do not know who Esther or Ruth is. They do not care about eschatology or symbolism or layers of meaning or any of it.
I mean, they seem kindof interested, open, but it’s totally new, all of it. And totally stale at the same time.
I feel this surge of – shock, enlightenment, despair… on the one hand, I suddenly feel the urgency of all that I learned: who will tell these kids that Christianity is a scandal and a delight and a burden and a mystery? Who will tell them of the hope to which they are called?
But on the other hand, I feel so wobbly in my own conviction. How sure am I that these things are true, that they matter, that they make sense enough to be able to explain them to middle schoolers. If it doesn’t make sense on that level, is it…true?
All these papers, all these lofty assertions: about correct hermeneutics, about choosing theologically potent songs and prayers for worship, about ecumenism, about women speaking in church, about marriage, about dispensationalism….
What difference does it make?
Each season has a different focus, a different question that seems to rise in my life. And this is the question now. What do all those lovely conclusions mean in the reality of a person’s life?
The people at my church are slowly beginning to open up, to reveal hurts, insecurities, pride, fear, questions… my students (the jr.s and sr.s) do not know where the Bible came from. They do not know who Esther or Ruth is. They do not care about eschatology or symbolism or layers of meaning or any of it.
I mean, they seem kindof interested, open, but it’s totally new, all of it. And totally stale at the same time.
I feel this surge of – shock, enlightenment, despair… on the one hand, I suddenly feel the urgency of all that I learned: who will tell these kids that Christianity is a scandal and a delight and a burden and a mystery? Who will tell them of the hope to which they are called?
But on the other hand, I feel so wobbly in my own conviction. How sure am I that these things are true, that they matter, that they make sense enough to be able to explain them to middle schoolers. If it doesn’t make sense on that level, is it…true?
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Scattered, withered, birthdayed
This week has been hungrily eaten up by the "easter video"... a long unbroken series of days and nights with beer and coffee flowing, people coming and going all day, all night, and me, on my laptop flitting in and out attempting to cheer them on and simultaneously remain sane.
I nearly burst into tears today when I realized samm would be leaving the day after tomorrow for a week to Chicago. I feel like we haven't spoken in days, except about survival:
-hand me a kleenex!
-here, take keats (the cat.)
-oh shoot, someone get the beers out of the freezer.
-how's that paper going, kathryn?
-someone make coffee again.
-this project is awful!
-no it's not!
-ahhhhhhhhhhhh *(U(R*(@$%IU*$(#)
Etc.
Art. What a struggle to press through the blurry moments of insanity. Especially when it isn't my art, specifically. I think I'll take a little credit anyhow for making all that coffee and giving everyone lots of flinstone vitamins. It has to help.
I should go to sleep. Tomorrow, well, today now, is my birthday, so I feel pressure to stop being so stressed and have some fun. We are meeting a guy from TX who is an "artist pastor" which is fun and i'll spend the rest of the day finishing a paper.
Here is my (current) thesis:
Ps. 110 offers a stark reminder of the message of the breaking in of the kingdom. In a time when “holy war” reminds readers of planes crashing into the World Trade Center, this Psalm serves as a potent reminder that Christ’s Priestly role ushering in peace and His Kingly role executing judgment are integrally connected.
Now i just have to prove that...
I nearly burst into tears today when I realized samm would be leaving the day after tomorrow for a week to Chicago. I feel like we haven't spoken in days, except about survival:
-hand me a kleenex!
-here, take keats (the cat.)
-oh shoot, someone get the beers out of the freezer.
-how's that paper going, kathryn?
-someone make coffee again.
-this project is awful!
-no it's not!
-ahhhhhhhhhhhh *(U(R*(@$%IU*$(#)
Etc.
Art. What a struggle to press through the blurry moments of insanity. Especially when it isn't my art, specifically. I think I'll take a little credit anyhow for making all that coffee and giving everyone lots of flinstone vitamins. It has to help.
I should go to sleep. Tomorrow, well, today now, is my birthday, so I feel pressure to stop being so stressed and have some fun. We are meeting a guy from TX who is an "artist pastor" which is fun and i'll spend the rest of the day finishing a paper.
Here is my (current) thesis:
Ps. 110 offers a stark reminder of the message of the breaking in of the kingdom. In a time when “holy war” reminds readers of planes crashing into the World Trade Center, this Psalm serves as a potent reminder that Christ’s Priestly role ushering in peace and His Kingly role executing judgment are integrally connected.
Now i just have to prove that...
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Big Day in My World
So as Greek has been an utter disaster lately, I have begun to consider - besides academia - what else might I have to offer the world. So music, really, is the other thing that i basically left in a box since high school in pursuit of theology. A good choice but now, I find myself back at a similar looking crossroads: and I may go a different route than I did the last go around. I remember being at an artist retreat near Nashville the summer before Moody. I was around Matthew Perryman Jones and roomed with Katy Bower... all these wonderful people doing music professionally. And I was headed to Bible college.
Now I am floundering a bit - I can't see myself actually doing music for a profession, but I feel (suddenly, strongly) that I have to try, have to record and write and try to put all this theology into expressions of my heart... I feel like a little girl and wish I had a bigger better plan for my life right now.
But here is my first recorded (by myself) song. dedicated to Christine. The first half is about how i used to have so much to say about God. Then I realized what kindof things he did, allowed, took away. The second half of the song is what I have to say in response: absolutely nothing.
:)
Now I am floundering a bit - I can't see myself actually doing music for a profession, but I feel (suddenly, strongly) that I have to try, have to record and write and try to put all this theology into expressions of my heart... I feel like a little girl and wish I had a bigger better plan for my life right now.
But here is my first recorded (by myself) song. dedicated to Christine. The first half is about how i used to have so much to say about God. Then I realized what kindof things he did, allowed, took away. The second half of the song is what I have to say in response: absolutely nothing.
:)
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Little Birds
Luke and Samm took off around 7 (am!) for a long shoot. So here I am with a mango candle burning, innocence Mission playing, a kitty curled on my lap sleeping, and, always, coffee. I thought of journaling, but today I'll write it here.
I am troubled lately to recognize a desire for total faith - and really not much at all.
We talked about "faith" in my mtg. with my pastor ("rector"/"priest") and intern yesterday. I said I used to have a broad concept of faith, like you either have it - in God - or you don't - and you're rebelling. But the more people I knew, the more I watched lives around me unfold, the less that vague promise of faith in "god" made sense. What did we have faith he would do, specifically?
I see in my own life good things that I attribute to him... my marriage, especially, a surprise, an uncharted course that has caused me to be freed from my "evangelical princess" mindset. A gift of intimacy, friendship, support to pursue my gifts in a way I wouldn't have with the sort of guys I wanted. I see God using all this for good in my life.
But then, I find I don't have faith He will do for others. What has he actually promised us that we should and can hold on to?
I have some really lovely single friends, and I want to see them be loved, like i am loved right now. It hurts to think that I can't make a confident prediction that God will take care of that...
My first setback was Beth. We were both confident (and assured by many older and wiser) that her cancer would be an opportunity to trust in God, and that if she let him, he would minister to her during that pain. According to her, she wanted that spiritual "peace," and it never came. Her cancer healed, but her confidence in God's presence and care waned and by our sr. year it had dissipated altogether.
This experience started me listening more carefully to the promises everyone seemed to be always making for God. You need to trust Him, He will take care of you. He will guide you. He will show you. etc, etc.
Really?
Arriving at Moody, I watched a friend jump in and out of good men's hearts claiming that God HAD showed her, guided her clearly, cared for her through it all. It seemed highly suspect that He was the one to blame.
I started seeing the promises I had understood to be immediate and personal promises to me as promises to Israel that were given as they waited in exile. Many of them died before they got to rebuild their city, their temple. The land was never all theirs. Hasn't been fully restored yet even.
Have we...been lied to? In the sense of faith in God answering promises during our lifetime?
This morning I was thinking about why Jesus said this:
All these things - clothes and food will be given - how do I understand this promise when there are people (christians too) starving? I don't know. I really don't know.
All I can understand is that it seems like the promise is that God does care and that He says he will eventually restore the broken and feed the hungry with himself and raise the dead to life again. And here we are, hearing that, haunted by that.
In our own aches, our own needs, like Israel in the Exile, we wait, we yearn, we mourn, we hope the dawn will come in our lifetime.
I am troubled lately to recognize a desire for total faith - and really not much at all.
We talked about "faith" in my mtg. with my pastor ("rector"/"priest") and intern yesterday. I said I used to have a broad concept of faith, like you either have it - in God - or you don't - and you're rebelling. But the more people I knew, the more I watched lives around me unfold, the less that vague promise of faith in "god" made sense. What did we have faith he would do, specifically?
I see in my own life good things that I attribute to him... my marriage, especially, a surprise, an uncharted course that has caused me to be freed from my "evangelical princess" mindset. A gift of intimacy, friendship, support to pursue my gifts in a way I wouldn't have with the sort of guys I wanted. I see God using all this for good in my life.
But then, I find I don't have faith He will do for others. What has he actually promised us that we should and can hold on to?
I have some really lovely single friends, and I want to see them be loved, like i am loved right now. It hurts to think that I can't make a confident prediction that God will take care of that...
My first setback was Beth. We were both confident (and assured by many older and wiser) that her cancer would be an opportunity to trust in God, and that if she let him, he would minister to her during that pain. According to her, she wanted that spiritual "peace," and it never came. Her cancer healed, but her confidence in God's presence and care waned and by our sr. year it had dissipated altogether.
This experience started me listening more carefully to the promises everyone seemed to be always making for God. You need to trust Him, He will take care of you. He will guide you. He will show you. etc, etc.
Really?
Arriving at Moody, I watched a friend jump in and out of good men's hearts claiming that God HAD showed her, guided her clearly, cared for her through it all. It seemed highly suspect that He was the one to blame.
I started seeing the promises I had understood to be immediate and personal promises to me as promises to Israel that were given as they waited in exile. Many of them died before they got to rebuild their city, their temple. The land was never all theirs. Hasn't been fully restored yet even.
Have we...been lied to? In the sense of faith in God answering promises during our lifetime?
This morning I was thinking about why Jesus said this:
Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?
Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life ?
"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin.
Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.
If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?
So do not worry... But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
All these things - clothes and food will be given - how do I understand this promise when there are people (christians too) starving? I don't know. I really don't know.
All I can understand is that it seems like the promise is that God does care and that He says he will eventually restore the broken and feed the hungry with himself and raise the dead to life again. And here we are, hearing that, haunted by that.
In our own aches, our own needs, like Israel in the Exile, we wait, we yearn, we mourn, we hope the dawn will come in our lifetime.
Monday, February 16, 2009
On the Lakes of Canada
I just fell in love with The Innocence Mission - a folksy husband wife duo from Lancaster, very old school. You simply must find them and listen to all their songs! They have a lullaby album with What a Wonderful World, Somewhere over the Rainbow, Edelweiss I used to sing Helen to sleep singing Edelweiss when we were tiny... i was almost in tears listening to it.
Anyways, this is a song of theirs used for a video about addiction. Not sure if that's what the song is about exactly, but I was so moved by it... by the idea of hope that you can change. I've been talking with my girls at youth group and with christine and with my family about the idea of not living for what other people think of you. The idea of freedom that comes with that, like what I had for 5 weeks at Capernwray. Samm said last night, in a way, when we truly meet ourselves, we meet God. If we are in his image, yet always trying to contort ourselves to meet the approval of others, than we twist that image. We do not let it be beautiful and alive.
So this is my addiction, caring what people think. And as cheesy as it is, this video moved me a lot.
Anyways, this is a song of theirs used for a video about addiction. Not sure if that's what the song is about exactly, but I was so moved by it... by the idea of hope that you can change. I've been talking with my girls at youth group and with christine and with my family about the idea of not living for what other people think of you. The idea of freedom that comes with that, like what I had for 5 weeks at Capernwray. Samm said last night, in a way, when we truly meet ourselves, we meet God. If we are in his image, yet always trying to contort ourselves to meet the approval of others, than we twist that image. We do not let it be beautiful and alive.
So this is my addiction, caring what people think. And as cheesy as it is, this video moved me a lot.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Mystery
So this was part of my Greek quiz I just finished (due at midnight). Generally greek has been quite awful - just a tedious impersonal memorization basically. Well, yeah, not quite that awful, but not invigorating whatsoever.
But once in a while when we actually translate it seems is shocking to read the text:
Many will say to me in that day, “Lord, Lord, did not we prophesy in your name, and cast out demons in your name and do many miracles in your name?” And then I will say to them I never knew you.
I never knew you.
Not 'I don't know you now that you've gotten carried away, lost perspective, had an affair, walked away from me'... it's 'never knew you, even when you prophesied and did powerful deeds.'
So it makes me wonder as I try to do "powerful deeds" and be an amazing youth minister... what does our Creator really desire from us? What is the "will of my Father" mean that Christ refers to right before that.
All this is said in context of hearing and then obeying the sermon on the mount. Ahhh, I feel far removed from those words, from those teachings, from its simplicity and its incredible demands.
My life evolves largely around my own happiness. Ministry, even, makes me happy and fulfilled. I work out, yes, partly to keep my spirit alive and my body honoring God... but mostly to look better. Seminary is so much about finding my own worth, earning the Christian version of the American Dream. I love Samm so he will be sweet to me and do what I want.
I sense this is not ok. That maybe these self motives for doing good things are the antithesis of knowing God,or of being known by Him, as he puts it here.
Samm and I just found this song. I think it is my new theme song for this season. It summarizes, so simply, what my heart has doubted and very often forgotten lately. As siblings I love desperately have rejected - have walked away from - have questioned the practical significance of this - I cling to this simple creed. It is all I have. Well, if I am willing to let go of everything else, then it is all. Then He is all: My sanity, my clarity.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Numb
I feel numb, out of touch with my own thoughts and feelings. And I am pretty sure that not talking to dear friends is half the reason for it.
Like right now, I feel stuffed full of feelings and fears... but I can hardly reach them enough to tell you about them.
I feel overwhelmed by being a grown up. I hate all the bills, all the mail I go through every day and yet somehow still miss things, lose things, forget things. This weekend I totaled our car. We're ok but it was so scary, and now on top of everything else we'll have a car payment. Grad school costs money. Health costs money. I'm tempted to become Amish and move to a farm and not leave a forwarding address for the credit world to follow. I am so weary of these distractions from deeper things. Do poets just...not pay their bills? How do you live well in both worlds? How do I find time for my soul?
My kitty is trying to lay across the laptop - unabashedly wants to be loved and not ignored by me. It's working pretty well...
Like right now, I feel stuffed full of feelings and fears... but I can hardly reach them enough to tell you about them.
I feel overwhelmed by being a grown up. I hate all the bills, all the mail I go through every day and yet somehow still miss things, lose things, forget things. This weekend I totaled our car. We're ok but it was so scary, and now on top of everything else we'll have a car payment. Grad school costs money. Health costs money. I'm tempted to become Amish and move to a farm and not leave a forwarding address for the credit world to follow. I am so weary of these distractions from deeper things. Do poets just...not pay their bills? How do you live well in both worlds? How do I find time for my soul?
My kitty is trying to lay across the laptop - unabashedly wants to be loved and not ignored by me. It's working pretty well...
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Restlessness and Resttoomuchness
So I'm on the couch which serves as Samm's office chair with my new laptop(!!) compliments of my church. I am wrestling with the freedom I have. I don't have to get up early, I don't have to get dressed (every day). The good news is I have a lot of homework starting next week which will spin me into having lots to do. And I am already spending way too much time working on stuff for youth group.
How do free-lancers do it? How do you feel like you are working and more importantly when do you know you are done? Last night I was working on a letter to parents until 11:30. Yet I feel like I haven't "worked" in days. It's a funny concept, work. I guess good goals, check lists that are realistic. Planning the things that you want and then accepting the day as successful.
I found a Moody grad (Sara Bergoff) on facebook today and discovered she is sort of an atheist now. I read her husband's blog about "disevangelism" and Samm commented on it.
It made me freshly aware not that what I believe is not just "nice" and "good" and within the rules. (Which for me, are drawing points or being a Christian because I like following rules, generally). But Christianity is crazy and costly and shockingly invisible but true. I hear the questions he raised. About the misogyny in Scripture, about the seemingly unjust systems in Israel's early judicial system.
I think about my good kids at church, how old they were/are when they learned the "s-word" and how they probably have never met an atheist. And how I have to help them realize that what they believe/act like they believe/think they should believe is crazy, beautiful, shocking, rocky.
It's daunting.
How do free-lancers do it? How do you feel like you are working and more importantly when do you know you are done? Last night I was working on a letter to parents until 11:30. Yet I feel like I haven't "worked" in days. It's a funny concept, work. I guess good goals, check lists that are realistic. Planning the things that you want and then accepting the day as successful.
I found a Moody grad (Sara Bergoff) on facebook today and discovered she is sort of an atheist now. I read her husband's blog about "disevangelism" and Samm commented on it.
It made me freshly aware not that what I believe is not just "nice" and "good" and within the rules. (Which for me, are drawing points or being a Christian because I like following rules, generally). But Christianity is crazy and costly and shockingly invisible but true. I hear the questions he raised. About the misogyny in Scripture, about the seemingly unjust systems in Israel's early judicial system.
I think about my good kids at church, how old they were/are when they learned the "s-word" and how they probably have never met an atheist. And how I have to help them realize that what they believe/act like they believe/think they should believe is crazy, beautiful, shocking, rocky.
It's daunting.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Ice I will miss
Samm and I have been hosting Phin, his brother, for roughly three weeks. My sister Helen and her friend/Luke's girlfriend and my sister Jodi also stayed with us intermittenly over the holidays, and it all finally ended today at the airport.
It's been good, wild, chaotic, full of intense talks, uncomfortable up-closeness (hearing how you talk to your husband through his brother's ears and realizing you aren't as nice as you thought - oh and there was the time we thought he wasn't there and our bedroom door was open...), flowing beer and whiskey, vanishing coffee/food from my kitchen, a new kitten we all fell in love with, hard questions about everything, hard realizations, new jokes... I feel Phin and I are friends now. Three weeks ago we were strangers. I feel closer to Helen than I have since moving here to PA. I feel happy to death to just be home and back to normal again. I am a little stunned at the stillness.
The last few days Samm, Phin and I drove to Gettysburg and New York. The battlefields were breathtaking, haunting. I don't make any sacrifices for this country - so to try to imagine making that ultimate one, and so many young men making it... it was overwhelming. New York was so big, so full of little people everywhere... it was also overwhelming. We dropped Phin off at the airport in DC and took the scenic road less traveled by home through the mountains.
During the night icy rain had covered the rolling woods with a thick gray glaze. The trees seemed painfully old and stiff, bent over with the cold weight and set against the cloudy dark sky. As we drove higher and higher into the slopes of western Maryland we turned a corner and collided with a piece of blue sky. Beams of heaven shot through into the icy forest around us in a way I can only describe as a magical. It made me feel so homesick, so delighted to be there, at that moment, and so full of longing. Now I remember why I go on roadtrips! It was dreadful to whizz past, to descend again into the small towns below with their Walmarts and KFCs and cheap motels.
Most of life is in those towns I guess, trying to stay off Facebook, to wake up early enough to pray, to remember that this world and my life will be made new - reborn in a flash which I hope will resemble the sun hitting those trees today.
It's been good, wild, chaotic, full of intense talks, uncomfortable up-closeness (hearing how you talk to your husband through his brother's ears and realizing you aren't as nice as you thought - oh and there was the time we thought he wasn't there and our bedroom door was open...), flowing beer and whiskey, vanishing coffee/food from my kitchen, a new kitten we all fell in love with, hard questions about everything, hard realizations, new jokes... I feel Phin and I are friends now. Three weeks ago we were strangers. I feel closer to Helen than I have since moving here to PA. I feel happy to death to just be home and back to normal again. I am a little stunned at the stillness.
The last few days Samm, Phin and I drove to Gettysburg and New York. The battlefields were breathtaking, haunting. I don't make any sacrifices for this country - so to try to imagine making that ultimate one, and so many young men making it... it was overwhelming. New York was so big, so full of little people everywhere... it was also overwhelming. We dropped Phin off at the airport in DC and took the scenic road less traveled by home through the mountains.
During the night icy rain had covered the rolling woods with a thick gray glaze. The trees seemed painfully old and stiff, bent over with the cold weight and set against the cloudy dark sky. As we drove higher and higher into the slopes of western Maryland we turned a corner and collided with a piece of blue sky. Beams of heaven shot through into the icy forest around us in a way I can only describe as a magical. It made me feel so homesick, so delighted to be there, at that moment, and so full of longing. Now I remember why I go on roadtrips! It was dreadful to whizz past, to descend again into the small towns below with their Walmarts and KFCs and cheap motels.
Most of life is in those towns I guess, trying to stay off Facebook, to wake up early enough to pray, to remember that this world and my life will be made new - reborn in a flash which I hope will resemble the sun hitting those trees today.
Friday, January 2, 2009
Prayerless
I haven't prayed since...mm... can't remember. Days? Weeks? Longer? I am going to be a "youth minister" starting next week, but I feel such a spiritual defecit. I ache to be close to God again, yet I shy away from the old routes I used to depend on to be close, though none of them were ever reliable. Closeness was always fleeting, which makes sense, considering God is invisible, Spirit, other, Deity, returning eventually - but not at the moment.
I want to be free of myself. I want to be surrendered to Christ because as strange and confusing and cliche as that phrase now sounds in my mouth, I know that it is a better place to be than in control. I know that I felt free when I was surrendered. But I also know that I probably twisted every situation in my life to explain the way I thought things worked. So sometimes I question if God was ever "taking control" or "working things out." How involved could/would/should...IS the Holy One in the details of life? In the "closed doors" and "clear paths" and green lights and car crashes and cancer?
And without knowing the answer to that, how can I say that I trust God? What do I trust Him to do, exactly? How can I have such a looming construction of ideas about Him (ie adhere to the Nicene Creed, etc) without hardly ever daring to interact with the reality of those ideas? But then, how DOES one interact with that reality!?
-- I can pray and believe He hears... but I know that it won't mean healing the sick or finding the lost check or whatever. It might, but it might not.
-- I can read the book I believe to be inspired by Him... but I know that everyone throughout history, throughout the world reads the same words and comes to such different conclusions: God will save all. God will save the Jews + those who call themselves "Christians." God will save only Christians. Only conservative Christians. etc.
But I can read this creed... and be so deeply moved, so filled with hope, so kindled to live expectantly:
We believe in one God, the Father, the Almighty, maker of heaven and earth, of all that is, seen and unseen.
We believe in one Lord, Jesus Christ, the only Son of God, eternally begotten of the Father, God from God, Light from Light, true God from true God, begotten, not made, of one Being with the Father.
Through him all things were made.
For us and for our salvation he came down from heaven: by the power of the Holy Spirit he became incarnate from the Virgin Mary, and was made man.
For our sake he was crucified under Pontius Pilate; he suffered death and was buried.
On the third day he rose again in accordance with the Scriptures; he ascended into heaven and is seated at the right hand of the Father.
He will come again in glory to judge the living and the dead, and his kingdom will have no end.
We believe in the Holy Spirit, the Lord, the giver of life, who proceeds from the Father and the Son.
With the Father and the Son he is worshiped and glorified.
He has spoken through the Prophets.
We believe in one holy catholic and apostolic Church.
We acknowledge one baptism for the forgiveness of sins.
We look for the resurrection of the dead, and the life of the world to come.
Amen.
I want to be free of myself. I want to be surrendered to Christ because as strange and confusing and cliche as that phrase now sounds in my mouth, I know that it is a better place to be than in control. I know that I felt free when I was surrendered. But I also know that I probably twisted every situation in my life to explain the way I thought things worked. So sometimes I question if God was ever "taking control" or "working things out." How involved could/would/should...IS the Holy One in the details of life? In the "closed doors" and "clear paths" and green lights and car crashes and cancer?
And without knowing the answer to that, how can I say that I trust God? What do I trust Him to do, exactly? How can I have such a looming construction of ideas about Him (ie adhere to the Nicene Creed, etc) without hardly ever daring to interact with the reality of those ideas? But then, how DOES one interact with that reality!?
-- I can pray and believe He hears... but I know that it won't mean healing the sick or finding the lost check or whatever. It might, but it might not.
-- I can read the book I believe to be inspired by Him... but I know that everyone throughout history, throughout the world reads the same words and comes to such different conclusions: God will save all. God will save the Jews + those who call themselves "Christians." God will save only Christians. Only conservative Christians. etc.
But I can read this creed... and be so deeply moved, so filled with hope, so kindled to live expectantly:
We believe in one God, the Father, the Almighty, maker of heaven and earth, of all that is, seen and unseen.
We believe in one Lord, Jesus Christ, the only Son of God, eternally begotten of the Father, God from God, Light from Light, true God from true God, begotten, not made, of one Being with the Father.
Through him all things were made.
For us and for our salvation he came down from heaven: by the power of the Holy Spirit he became incarnate from the Virgin Mary, and was made man.
For our sake he was crucified under Pontius Pilate; he suffered death and was buried.
On the third day he rose again in accordance with the Scriptures; he ascended into heaven and is seated at the right hand of the Father.
He will come again in glory to judge the living and the dead, and his kingdom will have no end.
We believe in the Holy Spirit, the Lord, the giver of life, who proceeds from the Father and the Son.
With the Father and the Son he is worshiped and glorified.
He has spoken through the Prophets.
We believe in one holy catholic and apostolic Church.
We acknowledge one baptism for the forgiveness of sins.
We look for the resurrection of the dead, and the life of the world to come.
Amen.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)