Mystery

So this was part of my Greek quiz I just finished (due at midnight). Generally greek has been quite awful - just a tedious impersonal memorization basically. Well, yeah, not quite that awful, but not invigorating whatsoever.

But once in a while when we actually translate it seems is shocking to read the text:

Many will say to me in that day, “Lord, Lord, did not we prophesy in your name, and cast out demons in your name and do many miracles in your name?” And then I will say to them I never knew you.

I never knew you.

Not 'I don't know you now that you've gotten carried away, lost perspective, had an affair, walked away from me'... it's 'never knew you, even when you prophesied and did powerful deeds.'

So it makes me wonder as I try to do "powerful deeds" and be an amazing youth minister... what does our Creator really desire from us? What is the "will of my Father" mean that Christ refers to right before that.

All this is said in context of hearing and then obeying the sermon on the mount. Ahhh, I feel far removed from those words, from those teachings, from its simplicity and its incredible demands.

My life evolves largely around my own happiness. Ministry, even, makes me happy and fulfilled. I work out, yes, partly to keep my spirit alive and my body honoring God... but mostly to look better. Seminary is so much about finding my own worth, earning the Christian version of the American Dream. I love Samm so he will be sweet to me and do what I want.

I sense this is not ok. That maybe these self motives for doing good things are the antithesis of knowing God,or of being known by Him, as he puts it here.

Samm and I just found this song. I think it is my new theme song for this season. It summarizes, so simply, what my heart has doubted and very often forgotten lately. As siblings I love desperately have rejected - have walked away from - have questioned the practical significance of this - I cling to this simple creed. It is all I have. Well, if I am willing to let go of everything else, then it is all. Then He is all: My sanity, my clarity.