Prayerless

I haven't prayed since...mm... can't remember. Days? Weeks? Longer? I am going to be a "youth minister" starting next week, but I feel such a spiritual defecit. I ache to be close to God again, yet I shy away from the old routes I used to depend on to be close, though none of them were ever reliable. Closeness was always fleeting, which makes sense, considering God is invisible, Spirit, other, Deity, returning eventually - but not at the moment.

I want to be free of myself. I want to be surrendered to Christ because as strange and confusing and cliche as that phrase now sounds in my mouth, I know that it is a better place to be than in control. I know that I felt free when I was surrendered. But I also know that I probably twisted every situation in my life to explain the way I thought things worked. So sometimes I question if God was ever "taking control" or "working things out." How involved could/would/should...IS the Holy One in the details of life? In the "closed doors" and "clear paths" and green lights and car crashes and cancer?

And without knowing the answer to that, how can I say that I trust God? What do I trust Him to do, exactly? How can I have such a looming construction of ideas about Him (ie adhere to the Nicene Creed, etc) without hardly ever daring to interact with the reality of those ideas? But then, how DOES one interact with that reality!?

-- I can pray and believe He hears... but I know that it won't mean healing the sick or finding the lost check or whatever. It might, but it might not.

-- I can read the book I believe to be inspired by Him... but I know that everyone throughout history, throughout the world reads the same words and comes to such different conclusions: God will save all. God will save the Jews + those who call themselves "Christians." God will save only Christians. Only conservative Christians. etc.


But I can read this creed... and be so deeply moved, so filled with hope, so kindled to live expectantly:


We believe in one God, the Father, the Almighty, maker of heaven and earth, of all that is, seen and unseen.

We believe in one Lord, Jesus Christ, the only Son of God, eternally begotten of the Father, God from God, Light from Light, true God from true God, begotten, not made, of one Being with the Father.

Through him all things were made.

For us and for our salvation he came down from heaven: by the power of the Holy Spirit he became incarnate from the Virgin Mary, and was made man.

For our sake he was crucified under Pontius Pilate; he suffered death and was buried.

On the third day he rose again in accordance with the Scriptures; he ascended into heaven and is seated at the right hand of the Father.

He will come again in glory to judge the living and the dead, and his kingdom will have no end.
We believe in the Holy Spirit, the Lord, the giver of life, who proceeds from the Father and the Son.

With the Father and the Son he is worshiped and glorified.

He has spoken through the Prophets.

We believe in one holy catholic and apostolic Church.

We acknowledge one baptism for the forgiveness of sins.

We look for the resurrection of the dead, and the life of the world to come.

Amen.