The Honest Truth

I think people blog for two reasons:  to be honest and to inspire other people.  I have not blogged much recently, and it's because if I am honest these days it probably won't be very inspiring.

Here is a metaphor from this morning.  This is what an inspiring blog shows:

Source: bostoninteriors.com via Patty on Pinterest

That is not my bedroom/office.  You probably figured that out.

On the other hand...

...this is!   No desk... You can see Lulu has been "sorting" my magazines.  My plant table is literally in pieces with no plant to be seen.  The blinds we bought a year ago are... still in boxes.  The new pretty filing box I found at Goodwill is still empty.

Notice the "Real Simple" magazines peeking out.  They mock my pain.  Ha ha.

Been wildly aware of my inadequacies this past couple months.  Been pushed to the brink of my limits and found a disappointing capacity to bear up under the stress.

I have made poor choices.  Like my little daughter, I love applause.  I love making everyone love me.  I think I may be addicted to it.  When someone says, "Can you --- (lead worship, sing for this concert, meet me for coffee, host us next month, etc.) ?"  I feel the only right answer is always "Yes."

This has turned out to be very much incorrect.

The clutter in this corner of my bedroom, the room I most neglect because no one else sees it except the love of my life and myself and my cat, it haunts me, demonstrating vividly how cluttered my days have become.  There is a total lack of simplicity.  A lack of peace.

I do find beautiful moments in other rooms in the house.  The guest room is clean and has an office that I go sit in some mornings during nap time.  Sacred, sacred nap time.  I light candles, turn on music, strum guitar, try to read good books, try to plan worship sets that fit the liturgy for February, try to rest my soul.

The best mornings I wake up before Lulu and make coffee and read Isaiah.  Or Luke.

Not all rooms in the house have fallen into complete disarray.

But I am astonished to feel the inner chaos that comes from my room, my most personal space being so chaotic.  It is not just a cause of my inner chaos, but a revelation of it.  A hint that things are not so smooth.

Things I am most thankful for in my life - my husband, my baby, my new job at Church of the Ascension - they have all filled me with fear and anxiety instead of joy lately.  And I do not think it is their fault.  It is because I fill up my time and my mind and my house with other things.  Because I do not stop to be thankful.  Because I am weary in my soul.

I am tired of the city, tired of the noise.  I read this morning in One Thousand Gifts that habits only leave when you replace them with other habits.  I was struck.  My New Year has been a disappointment because I was hoping to improve my habits by sheer will power.  By optimism.  Which is how I approach all of life.  Realistically, there is not time to go to Trader Joes and write songs today, but if I wish wish wish maybe it will just magically happen.

No.

I have to start being honest.

Honest when people who ask (announce!) they can come in town.
Honest when people who ask me to come to events, to sing, to host.
Honest when I have needs.  (blinds up in my bedroom?)

Honest with myself.  If I host Shabbat, I probably can't do much else that week.  It will take me two days to recover.  If I have friends in town, I may not even be able to host Shabbat as planned.

If I am a poor judge of time estimates, I am a worse judge of energy estimates.  I didn't use to be a mom.  Between being up at night, being strong enough to always feed her meals, give her baths, change her diapers, all these choices I have to be strong enough to make... there is NOT a lot of strength left for self, work, house, bills, husband, church. Etc.

So.  baby steps, right?  Oh!  What a new meaning those words have as I think of Lulu's drunken toddles to and fro, as she sort of lunges crazily across the floor grinning wildly at her tiny success.



Baby steps.

Ahahhhh.  THIS is the problem!  I see the broad picture!  The epic failure, the deep desires... but what on earth is to be done about it.  I need a Type A friend to suggest something particular.

Clean the corner in my room.  That's probably a really, really good place to start.