First of all, our insurance ended two months ago with Samm's old job. His new coverage which was vastly superior (0$ deductible!) began Feb. 1st. We decided not to do cobra because it was several thousand dollars, and we could always elect it and backdate it if she came early - all except the last two days in January. So we prayed and we hoped and we told Lulu - don't come before February 1st! And definitely not on January 31st!
So, January 31st was a normal evening, except for weather predictions of an ice storm of historic proportions. I did some yoga, started a novel (
Home by Marilynn Robinson), and made some raspberry leaf tea. This tea is supposed to tone your uterus. I forgot about it, and it steeped for an hour. At 10:30 pm, I was feeling a little adventurous, and I drank it anyways. We headed to bed so Samm could get up and go to work early Tuesday to finish a big project. We got briefly distracted doing the very thing that got us in this situation to begin with... and then fell fast asleep.
Two hours later, half an hour into February, I woke up feeing damp. Annoyed and unsuspecting, I headed to the bathroom where I suddenly started leaking copious amounts of water. Clear. The hair stood up on my neck. I never expected a text book water break. Or an early labor. Oh crap, what day is it, oh it's February now... I woke Samm who shot out of bed when he realized what I was saying. We called the midwife on duty and I talked so fast she couldn't understand me. She said to try to get rest (right) and call her if contractions started tonight. I had 24 hours for labor to start naturally now. First I ran around like a crazy person, and then Samm coaxed me to come back to bed and try to nap. He reminded me to take deep breaths and relax... As soon as I did, contractions started gently around 1 am, just pms-type cramps. They were quite painful in bed, but when I walked around or bounced on my exercise ball, they were totally manageable.
I took a shower and put on eye make up... because I wanted to feel all woman. Samm started timing contractions and after they were every couple minutes, minute long for an hour he said we should call again. The midwife on call was not thrilled that we kept calling. I was worried about the ice storm which was supposed to hit around 4 am - in an hour. She seemed to think it wouldn't be necessary for me to come in till morning. When I told her I thought the contractions were starting to come pretty close, she said we could come in "if i wanted." I wanted. We grabbed some things and I looked around in shock, realizing we would be bringing home (hopefully!) a new person with us. The nursery wasn't (and isn't) done. I was barely packed. What should I wear, what should she wear???
It was drizzling at 4 am as we drove across the bridge and looked at the city. My sister, Helen, who lives with us was in the backseat with the empty car seat and we were all joking and laughing and in high spirits. My contractions were amazingly manageable ("I almost feel bad that they don't hurt more...").ha. When we arrived the midwife checked me and announced I was at 1cm, and could go home and labor some more if I wanted. With the supposed storm brewing and a kindof inner momentum I couldn't explain, I just wanted to settle into the warm, dark birth room and relax. So Helen and Samm tried to sleep, and I decided to ignore the fact that my contractions had slowed during the exam and that was I wasn't further along. It was arbitrary, and I chose to embrace labor as imminent. The sign "birth in progress" on my door buoyed my spirits, and I quietly began to enter "the zone" as piano music played in the background. I went from the birth ball to the toilet to the bathroom floor...By 7 am I was beside myself, naked, writhing, and losing touch with my senses. A new midwife and nurse came on duty and let me in the jacuzzi around 7:30 am. Candles were lit, and I began to sink deep into an inner world of hot white waves of pain. The hot water felt wonderful, but I was still completely miserable. The contractions started coming fast. The nurse reminded me to relax my face and my shoulders and keep my groans deep and low. I vaguely recognized this to be good advice enough to take it... I began making deep primal oooohs and ahhhhs as a way of mentally climbing through each contraction. I nearly caught my hair on fire from the candles as I whipped my head back in pain. Samm left a few times because he didn't want me to see his horror at my suffering.
Around 8:45 I began shaking and feeling like I might puke, so they helped me out of the tub and onto the toilet where I transitioned. I leaned deeply into the warm words and hands of the midwives. They covered me with warm towels and kept cool clothes on my forehead and massaged my feet and quietly and seriously encouraged me. I was only deeply aware of Samm's face and the mounting waves of pain. At 9:30am I was at 10 cm. My mom and younger sister Jodi arrived during this time. I made a joke to Jodi that watching ought to be really great birth control for her. The room felt incredibly hazy. After a blissful break in the intensity, I began to have pushing contractions. I had no sense of time or space. I forgot about the baby. At one point the nurse checked her heartbeat and announced, "baby is happy!" and I dryly replied, "
that's nice." It was so...rectal! Like the biggest bowel movement ever. I was hoarse the next couple days from the yells as I pushed. Once I could begin to feel my pelvis getting pushed open, I felt terror. And then the baby was stuck there - so close and torturously low (where there is NO space for a huge baby!!!). Then the ring of fire - she was crowning. Everyone was cheering and yelling, I was yelling with all my might, I didn't care that i could feel something deep ripping... and suddenly I felt the shock of
movement, something alive and wiggling, and then she was out and wailing at 11:35 am! The room exploded with joyful shouts of amazement and welcome. Samm was sobbing. I was overwhelmed with relief and surprise. They put her right on my belly (her cord was too short to go to my chest). Where had this tiny, red, crying person come from!? So fragile, so tender, so beautiful. My daughter! 7 lbs 6 oz, 20.5 inches.
The midwives stitched me up for about half an hour while I tried to nurse and stared in awe at my new baby. Then, the midwives shooed everyone out of the room (a doula, two sisters, my mum, the other midwives, my dad and brother who came in after the birth) and tucked Samm and I in the bed with Lulu curled up on his chest. She made us breakfast and brought it on a tray with flowers. We ate by candlelight. The bliss of that quiet, peaceful, exhausted moment is impossible to describe. We were entranced by her beauty.
I told Samm yesterday that I know I am supposed to savor these moments of her being so small but I don't know how because they feel like water sliding through my fingers. The days pass so quickly - she has grown so much already! He said don't try to hold the water, just dance in it.
Motivation is hard to come by.
