Spaghetti Squash and My Winter Survival Kit

I made spaghetti squash for dinner - just baked it and added Trader Joe's tomato bail sauce and some parm and it was delish.  Lulu loved it.  I used to only nurse her.  Then I gradually and cautiously cooked, mashed, and spooned her baby type foods.  Suddenly she eats everything.  We have reserved nuts, peanut butter and honey for sometime after her 1 year birthday, and I try to avoid milk but in terms of spices, flavors, textures... she eats it all now.  It is so delightful.  She is still nursing a ton as well.  Not sure how that all works exactly.  

I have a paper due tomorrow (hence me here blogging...) about the modern church.  I'm writing it about the increasing value of individualism as seen in the denomination growth and in the appeal to the rational mind (the person in the pew becomes the judge not the judged.)  

All the other things going on seem too personal or not personal enough for a blog.  My job, my marriage, my family, my songwriting or lack thereof.  

I've been relishing the wet warm windy November days.  The leaves are bright and heavy on the paths.  The sky is murky and full of winter.  I am making a serious winter survival kit for myself which so far includes a bright cheery soy citrus candle and some beautiful teal and red stationary.  I would like to add to my kit an antique desk, a properly warm but bright lamp, a small but friendly house plant, a small rug or pillow or afghan and some kind of... colorful organization method (a cork board?  some pretty files?  something.)   Christmas ideas, Samm, hint, hint.   

The idea is that on dark and dreadful snowy days I can burrow into my cozy desk area and write letters to friends, that book about sexuality i've been meaning to write, hopefully compose some new songs, and... oh, pay bills and be organized. 

Pretty smart, right?  I always have such great plans.  

In the meanwhile, I also intend to survive winter by baking something scrumptious at least once a week.  Make a bake date because otherwise I wind up doing other things instead and there have just not been enough muffins/banana breads/home made pizzas in my house of late.

I have felt a bit, small worlded.  My friend used the word "babied" as a verb, as in, she had been babied (made pregnant).  I thought it was hilarious and telling.  I have been babied (past tense!)  My world is so full of tiny wonder, pudgy fingers, little tufts of hair just starting to curl, a bobbing head that twists around to make sure I'm noticing... so much light.  But sometimes, I forget what life was like before.  What traveling and roadtrips and spontaneous dates and big dreams felt like.  But is that the baby's fault?  Or is that OUR fault for growing up?  

Can I ungrow up?  

Stay calm in the meantime

Last year the trees outside our window were smaller and newer.  The leaves turned and fell off nonchalantly in a week.  This year they are so bold!  So confident! 

I made a "post partum peace" mix recently for a new mom friend.  I've been listening to it a lot.  It's a mixture of sad songs, quiet songs, and a couple hymns.  The theme line is by The Innocence Mission.

Stay calm, stay calm in the meantime.

Other key lines throughout the mix:

Love comes to you, its your hands your heart your lips, that is all.

Come ye sinners poor and needy, weak and wounded, sick and sore (nothing like a vaginal birth to make that song relevant!!).

Now my heart stumbles on things i dont know, my weakness i feel i must finally show.  Awake my soul!

And ending with

All we can do, in this deep summer hour, with the rain, the taxis and the flowers,
walking between the dear ones holding on, is shout, shout for joy.

It's not summer rain anymore, I guess. It's the most fallish day yet actually. cloudy with a chill, bright leaves, dim sky, pumpkins sagging on wet porches.

And today on my bed with the new trees outside glowing in the rain, I feel deeply thankful. Don't get me wrong, the gratitude is brewed in depression, in listlessness and anxiety about how to balance my little daughter's needs with everything else in my life. Thoughts of inadequacy as her mom, as Samm's wife, as host of Shabbat, as seminarian. I have these glimpses of what I want, mostly wild and free gardens, pies, a small ancient future church community and a brilliant phd dissertation...do I ask for too much?

Meanwhile Mary Lou just wants her diaper changed and maybe some mashed potatoes for lunch.

And I really ought to take a shower before she wakes up.

Stay calm in the meantime. These are beautiful days.

.

I Love My Husband But I also Love...

Fernando Ortega.  Samm has never understood my love for Fernando.  (warning: it's very religious) Fair enough.  He is excited about the new J-Z/Kanye West Album. (warning: it's got the F-word).  I am excited about the new liturgical, piano-driven accoustic Fernando album "Come Down, O Love  Divine."  Which is not youtube, of course, since probably only ten other people even care that it's released.  

 
I do, technically, like both new albums. 


He wants to move to LA.  At some point anyways.

I want to plant my roots and let them grow deep, deep.  Literally - I want old trees that are my friends, a garden with perennials that I greet every spring when they emerge again.  I want friendships that deepen and grow with time.  I want to pour my life into something that I can commit to:  a new church, or maybe an old church, a new non-profit, something that will be around potentially for a while.  


He wants new things, wants to grow and be challenged in ways that make Pittsburgh only a temporary city.  Maybe a few years. 


What would happen, i wonder, if Jay Z and Fernando made an album?   Ha. 

6 Month Job Performance Review

 I've been an official Mom for 6 months now (Aug. 1st) .  Seems like an appropriate time to take stock.  

I have a lot of grand theories about sexuality, gender, and fertility.  Well a few theories.  Mostly just that they all really matter, that they are deeply linked to our souls.  New babies are an anti-death.  Sex is supposed to be personal.  Woman are equal to men but... something in us... is just different then men.  A few things.  Hmm.

Theories.  

Now we have some reality in the mix.  A new baby squawking for attention, cooing and grinning when I pick her up from her crib, giggling when Samm plays peek-a-boo, doing this new hand dance/attempt at a wave.  She is sitting up now.  Has two bottom teeth.  Saying "la-la-la-la-la."   A quickly emerging personhood, a sense of self.  

And jobs and sex and gender "roles" (ok, i am the ONLY one who can breast feed her';that is a role.  it just is.)  are suddenly cast in a new light.  I am not Lulu's only provider, only parent.  But I am her only Mom.  

So what does me being a mom mean?  And how am I doing?  

I have three things that come to mind:

     a)  provide for her basic needs:
  - put on clean diapers. Cloth diapers have been  so fun - who knew?  Thought this would be a real downer part of being a mom.
  - feed her.  breast feeding started out so hard, SO HARD.  and then now, my favorite part of the day.  so deeply personal and simple and sweet and lovely.)
 - offer [relatively] clean clothes and crib and safe car seat and a roof over her head  - except for occasional walks in the rain,  those are good.

     b) show her she is worthy of love
 - play with her
- talk to her
- bring her with me places, share my friends and home and plans with her.
- hold her, cuddle time.  nose nuzzling.  sometimes we lay down and stare into each others' faces and chat.  I say, "You are my little bear!"  and she says, "blaaaahh, ahhhhh  la la," and "pthhhhhhsp"  which I think means "You are my mama bear!"

     c) teach her the best I can how to live well
- first thing:  obey mama and papa.  eventually teachers and babysitters.  actually, is that first?
- second thing:  learn to take of herself.  Beginning with eating solid food.  Harder than it looks.
- third thing (ok, so these aren't really in order.): respect people.
- fourth thing:  everything important in life.  gosh, i don't know.  what are the next things?  what is my job to teach her?  where the world comes from?  why people are good?  why people are bad?  how you make friends?  how you do math?  how you play piano?  how to do your hair.  how to make pizza.  how to put on a bra.  how to make coffee.  how to celebrate Christmas!  wheeeeee!

So.  How am i doing?   It's almost entirely instinct so far.  She is too cute not to talk to, to cuddle.  Diapers, feeding, these have to happen so she doesn't cry.  Automatic.   My main weakness is geting too distracted by other things.  Other people.  Bigger people than who who seem more important.  Like their needs and their approval are more important than hers.    Host Shabbat! Have new moms for coffee!  Go to more meetings at work!  Plan and dream about new programs and ideas to help more people at work!  Oh, what's that noise in the background... it's Lulu.  "la la la la la."  Almost forgot about you.  You are so tiny.


So, review.  You're doing pretty well, Self.   Good job being affectionate, keeping her alive so far, and feeding her...  She's gigantic.  90% height, 75% weight.  Good job staying calm.  That was my mantra the first few months, stay calm, stay calm, stay calm.

Areas for improvement:  more walks in the park.  Start reading to her more.  Keep having grace with her and with yourself.  More grace as she starts to crawl and get into everything. Embrace the adventure of it.  Dirt!  Spilled drinks!  Emptied purses!  Ha. And guard the time with her.   And if I'm going to keep working more, I need to say NO to other things.  I need to keep her ...not the center of my life or my attention all the time... but high up on my priorities.

I think the best things about me are a result of my mom letting me play in the woods, make forts in the living room, and reading aloud together constantly.  She spent a lot of  down time with us.  So, I should try to do that too, I think.

Ok, well now I'm ignoring her to write a blog, so I should end this post...

I like Mondays

Especially now that I can start them at home with coffee and cinnamon buns and music and a cute baby as company.  When they began at 8 am under fluorescent lights that was no good.  That was mega, horrible, awful depressing.  But NOW it means making lists and getting things done and taking Lulu to get shots (and weighed!) and cleaning!  My bedroom ceiling fan looks completely different this afternoon. Gulp.  I made my own dusting solution and put it in a spray bottle:

½ tsp. light olive oil   

¼ cup white vinegar 

a few drops of lavender essential oil  

water

I wish I could post a picture of the SMELL because it's awesome.  Fresh, clean, beautiful.  My love affair with vinegar is really possibly getting out of hand.

And update on the juice fast: Day 3 and Samm has lost 4 lbs, looks...fresher... and is starting to feel better.  First two days without coffee or the joy of eating were pretty rough.  I guess that's when your body releases a lot of toxins.  I thought he smelled rather strange, so, must be true.  Anyways, proud of him and... meanwhile, I need to go reheat my coffee... ehem.

This morning while I enjoyed my Monday not being at a job I read about N.T. Wright's series called Christian Origins and the Question of God. I now really want to read them. I've read some of his shorter works, but I need to bite off something more solid these days...  He essentially is covering all the basics (6 volumes, first three are out:  Jesus, God's People, and the Resurrection) in a way that acknowledges the current discussions in academia but kind of takes aim and fires at those who would say Christianity has been disproved.  He is one those people who makes me think it might be intellectually plausible to be a Christian after all.  He doesn't ignore philosophy and history and modern scholarship, writing it all off... yet he doesn't bow to it either.  He engages it.  

	The New Testament and the People of God Volume 1  (Christian Origins and the Question of God) by N. T. Wright (Paperback) 4.7 out of 5 stars   (34)	Added July 18, 2011 Add comments, quantity & priority
	Jesus and the Victory of God  (Christian Origins and the Question of God, Volume 2) by N. T. Wright (Paperback) 4.7 out of 5 stars   (41)	Added July 18, 2011 Add comments, quantity & priority
	The Resurrection of the Son of God  (Christian Origins and the Question of God, Vol. 3) by N. T. Wright (Paperback) 4.7 out of 5 stars   (50)	Added July 18, 2011 Add comments, quantity & priority

 He finds (and presents) very compelling reasons to believe the Christian story is true.  And at the end, he acknowledges that it's a story, one of many, to explain the mysteries of life.  Something about this attitude, his confidence in God and His revelation but his humility also is really, really appealing to me.

Anyways, Mondays are like Do-Over buttons.  A fresh start is nice.  New lists.  New goals.  I like them.

One of those days where I'm high

You know those days (like the last several) where you are under too many florescent lights and too much pressure from work and you are hearing too many voices in your head telling you things you ought to be doing (print programs! clean house! do laundry!  pay bills! sell your stupid car already!  do something about the ridiculous pile of dirt and weeds in the backyard!) .  And so you rush manically about trying to obey the voices, all the while lugging a nearly 20lb cutie pie around who is incredibly distracting and adorable and demanding.  Especially when you're ignoring her to try to work.   You know those days?  

Well, something broke somewhere and suddenly the light rushed in (as it does for me, from time to time) and we are back on the high road.  Voldemort is dead, you know??  Hopefully you knew.  Oops.

My deadline at work is done.  I had to be a bad Mom and a bad Shabbat host in order to be a part of an evening event last night.  Stress.full.  But now it's over.  

And Phin has made huge progress in the backyard/pile of rubble so that NOW it is beginning to look like a place that happy plants might like to live and grow and produce wonderful colors and smells and even foods!  

And very soon, Lulu will get to start eating foods (maybe ones I grow, hypothetically).  And Samm is doing a juice fast for 10 days and then we are both going to integrate green juice into our lives.  Here is Samm with his new juicer.  (And Phin behind him, working on those new garden beds!)

WORD TO THE WISE.  When juicing, do not include onion or garlic.  Ohhh gosh.  My eyes are watering from drinking it, seriously.  I had two sips.  We had to throw away the first juice batch.  You live and you learn.   Or, I guess you could look up recipes...  Here are the good parts that got drowned out by the onion :(

So my list of things to do today is:

1. Figure out what I can still plant this late in the year.  My gardens beds will be ready in about an hour. (!)  Thank you, Phin Hodges!!!  Especially, what can I plant that Lulu can eat and we can juice!  Cucumber, Zucchini (already growing), parsely... Any other suggestions?  Easy perennials that smell nice?  Or look nice?  
2. Figure out how to start a human on solids.  (want to make yogurt!  want to make yummy concoctions with avocado and peaches and sweet potato and spinach, oh my!) (separately, and definitely no onion.)
3. Encourage Samm in his veggie eating/drinking. Join him occasionally. Watched a juicing documentary "sick, fat and almost dead"... very inspiring.  Run!  Eat veggies!  Yay! I won't be juice fasting though.  Right now I have to eat A LOT.  Breastfeeding is insane:  I am under 120 lbs. for the first time in YEARS.  I need food.  It's wonderful.  I will cry for several reasons when she weans.  But that is far away.  
4. Maybe do laundry.  
5. Go to the strip farmers market with Samm and Lulu.

Can I avoid the stressful weeks?  No.  Can I make them easier by having better boundaries?  Probably. Do they make the highs better?  Absolutely.  

Lulu is working now

I put her a closet by my cubicle (a very big closet) to nap and sometimes she comes to meetings and adds her opinion.  She squeals a lot now, very high pitched.  And growls.  Like a monster.  But it's a happy growl. We call it the t rex growl.  Her hands clutch like tiny dinosaur claws.  She likes feeling textures and can sit up for a while on her own.  Like 30 seconds.  And she grabs her toes a lot.

I dont know how much I ought be amusing her, showing her things, talking to her vs letting her amuse herself.  A mixture, right?

I dont know how much more ...or less I should be working.  To be happy, to have sanity, to feel like a grown up, to have time for living.

This morning I started rereading my current journal.  This one starts in 2006 after I got engaged.  What a crazy journey from being at Moody single to being married living in Pittsburgh with a little one and a house and a cat.  My politics, my ideas about church, my ambitions, my tastes, my relationships have all changed so much.  But the entries sound almost the same.  The hunger for rest.  The confusion about God's silence.  The consistency of coffee and good moments.  Good things DO happen over coffee.

Castle living

one time I lived in a castle. No, seriously. And I vacuumed and scrubbed and worked in a cafe that served milkshakes and tiny French presses. Since I didn't know anyone else on staff and I didn't stay long, I did whatever I wanted. I wore skirts everyday. I stuck daisies in my hair. I wandered the castle grounds with a guitar in one hand and an ice-cream cone in the other.
I was desperately broken hearted. I have never since managed to feel that free and that loved by God and that calm in my being. Why? Why on days like today when bills tap their foot and forms sigh at me impatiently from the kitchen table and there's a car to be towed and a demolitioned backyard ticking off the neighbors ... Why can't I find a way to live in that kind of abandoned peace?

I did blast classical music for Mary Lou while we drove to trader joes. That was pretty zen. But I think driving anywhere prevents the kind of holy silence that exists in those beautiful far away places we go to escape life. To actually live. I want to live. I feel choked by grownupness. By the so called luxuries in my life.

Castle life wasn't about pleasing other people. And it wasn't complicated. And it entailed very little technology. And lots of tea and flowers and walks and books.

Surely I can carry some of that into my life now.

Baby bath night time

So I bought lulu some target brand nighttime bath soap.  I decided tonight I needed it more than she did. After a harrowing battle with the drain (gay men and single men have such an advantage when it comes to drains and hair)  I got my wine and my baby nighttime bath suds and it was pretty glorious.  I am soooo ready for bed now.  I asked samm if he would swaddle me but he just laughed.  Oh well.

Had a great exhausting weekend...sang in a lovely local talent concert, met some new friends at the uniterian church and had a great morning in the chapel at acac.  Also had my first fight with samm in a while.  Hate those but also...now I feel a lot closer to him.  Team hodges!  So hard to imagine there could be other ways to see the world that are legit than my own.  I can be so selfish and vain.  I would rather have strangers like me than think about my Love. What kind of person does that? 

One who has a serious addiction to being liked.  Well...here comes a new week and a new chance to live better and love better.  Thanks God for baths and wine and patient husbands.

Let My Favorite Half of the Year Begin!

Spring is great.  I know.  BUT.  Now as the days take on a golden feel and the farmers market begins to swell with new produce and the leaves begin to deepen into darker green, I cannot help but feel we have just been preparing all year for this.  For wine on the porch.  For backyard parties. For watermelon and lighting bugs and the coming of harvest. And harvest of course turns into Thanksgiving and Christmas. So, yes, far superior to the first half of the year. 

We celebrated my grandma's 85th birthday this week. Isn't she cute? 

Lulu looks awfully large on her!  

Luke and Lizzy got her these flowers:  

And I've been bringing Lulu to work with me a lot. 

She chills under my desk.  Sometimes I put her in the closet to nap.  Don't worry, it's a nice large closet with a window.  She causes quite a stir. Has old wise men just eating right out of her hand.  I am so thankful that we have friends who are old and young and black and white, and she might think it's all quite normal for everyone to love and respect each other. 


Lulu gets to spend more time in less clothes now that it's summer.  She is thrilled. 

She prefers even less clothes, actually.  

I'm ready to ease out of the the stress of birth and a newborn and adjustment to a new stage of life.  Ready to just completely embrace this stage.  It's summer, my baby is growing so fast, and it's time to meet up with the neighbors and go for a walk.  

Some people should be less into skirts, and I should be more into them

Honestly, with a name like Weiner, you think this guy would be a little more careful where he posted his pictures of his crotch.  Ohhh it's just so frustrating to imagine one more politician having to apologize to his new wife  about the national embarrassment of his transgressions.  And this guy's wife appears to be  pretty AND smart.  And exotic.  And interesting.  What kind of addictions are we dealing with that he was willing to risk his career and his relationship with an amazing woman to chat online and exchange photos?  What was he thinking!?

In other news, I made some  summer resolutions.  They are eerily similar my New Year's ones.  

• Wear skirts and dresses more .
• [ attend city wide Frock Swap Saturday Whheeeee!]

• Make more huge, creative, healthy home made meals and have lots of people over for dinner!  
• [ummm.    Farmer's Market is back, check.  lots of awesome people live on the northside for the summer, check.  But meal ideas???  What's easy and awesome? Or at least easy.  I need to make lists. I need help.]

• Get my "office" in order.   I use the term loosely.  Currently it is a wild stack of important papers I'm avoiding in the corner of our bedroom. 
•  [... Lizzy Cahill, please help me decorate it so I have incentive to be productive.]

So I could go on for a while but I'll try to be realistic about my resolutions (lame.)  Two out of three have pretty iffy courses of action, so that's plenty to work on for now.  As Mum says, I feel a list coming on...

I'll save my last goal for another post.  But it has to do with the end times and my back yard.  And it's too emotional to get into in a blog right before baby wakes up.

Cafe Hodges

Baby is napping and I am having my favorite kind of Monday morning...the kind where you gently regroup.  Where you make lists and reflect on the busy weekend and the coming week and let it all hang suspended in the distance as you sip coffee and eat a bagel.  This weekend I attended a symposium on rob bells Love wins.  It was the most exercise my mind has had in a while... promised book review still coming

. I felt like I was attending a gathering of the wizards... A la order of the Phoenix...

My imagination is a very consequential part of my theology.

One of my favorite (mis)quotes was,

"hell is paved with people with good intentions."

Ha ha. Wonderful mental image...

No, I suppose it is not a funny subject really.

 I enjoyed the range of conversation, the openness but seriousness with which the book and its questions were treated, and the time being with my dad and people from Trinity.   Got me thinking about bringing heaven to earth - doing my part - having dreams...

 I've started dreaming about opening ...for lack of a better title... A Sex Center.  Ok, it really does need a better title.   Something between a school for sex ed, a church/counseling refuge for people wrestling with some aspect of their sexuality,and a clinic for women in need of obgyn and contraceptive and prenatal and postpartum care. Basically a place to talk and to be heard, to learn and be cared for at the intersection of faith and gender. Something holistic and welcoming. Doesn't it sound awesome?  Needs some "tweaking."  T-w-e-a-k-i-n-g."

....

    

To do and to be

I think in terms of to-do lists.  It's kindof depressing sometimes.  I should think in "to be lists."  Oh well. 

Here is today's TO DO

-Clean the house for Shabbat!  

-Wash diapers

-Find lightbulbs for the kitchen.  It's getting dark in there.

-Taxes - !  yeah.  we filed for an extension, don't worry.  

-Scholarship app -  would love to go back to school in the fall.  Trinity is my Hogwarts.  Or at least for now.  (Would be fun to study somewhere a little more majestic looking one day.  But the classes are epic and inspiring.  i miss them)

-Record a song for my friend's art collaboration blog.  I haven't PLAYED in ages.  I just kindof forgot about it all year.  Can't decide if I'm dragging my feet because I ought to focus on other things (like my daughter, Shabbat) or if those become excuses from being honest through art.  Hard to say.  

- post office.  we have a package to pickup, yay!  

- goodwill.  need more wine glasses for shabbat.  people always end up drinking out of odd containers.  

And while we're at it, here is a TO BE list for today: 

- calm.  

- patient.  with myself.  for being sad.  it's ok to be sad sometimes.

- full of spring.  the sky is gray - but filled with water for my future garden, for the flowers.  

- listening to this song:  

Spring

Look out for Spring,
the life underground,
the life underground.
The thawing and the overflow.
Oh early, early in the morning
we’ll go.

Seven shades of green
are painted on your door,
painted on your door,
the field alive under the snow.
Oh early, early in the morning.
we’ll go.

Oh world of rooftops,
hearing one field song.
The walk in raincoats,
the wait for Easter, Tom.
We are awake or waking,
awake or waking from.

Here that day comes.  

Taco Time!

So I watched Food Inc.  Echhh.  No real surprises but watching the cow get yanked down an assembly line - alive - held upside down by his hove was sobering.  Made me want to cry that I have been the consumer wanting the cheapest meat... I am the reason those animals are treated like that, and those employees are treated so poorly... My purchase is my vote!  Ahhh so convicting.  God must be very grieved to see His creation treated like that.  I am. 

  So it is with real pleasure that I made these vegetarian YUMMY tacos for lunch today.   I use half red quinoa and half soy chorizo for the "ground beef." So tons of low fat protein and looks meatish. Then red peppers, garlic, taco seasoning and this time some fresh lime juice...

Yum!  Oh my gosh.  So good.  Better with avocado, but it's a recession folks.   Also, off topic, I should use cloth napkins all the time!! Look how adorable that one is... Cloth diapering has made me rethink my whole life.  But that's another post.  Which I need to write.

Lu lu has been breaking my heart by being so cute lately.  She grins and coos at us... this soft sweet little coo that makes you want to jump and down with delight and awe (which I often do).

She giggled for the first time this weekend for Samm... she is a papa's girl.  And he is smitten.  He runs in the door, asks anxiously if she is awake, and then scoops her up enthusiastically to catch up on the day.  She only gets nearly that excited for me when I give her a bath.  

Holy Week. Thinking about life after life after death, as Nt Wright calls it.  Thinking about new life.  About what will happen to our bodies one day.   Wishing I had more time to think... 

 Ok, Lulu, I'm coming...!

Sleepless in pittsburgh

This morning, finally waving the white flag and admitting I wasn't getting any more sleep, I hoisted lulu over my shoulder(by far the easiest way to hold her) and headed for dougs market. This morning called for half and half in my coffee and maybe even a very naughty pastry. The said pastries turned out to be 460 calories (for the wrapped cinnamon rolls...!) so I went with a donut instead which was less calories somehow. Lulu and I are now sitting on the back porch in short sleeves while I drink my coffee. Summer is visiting for the day and the warmth is glorious.

I get soooo little done now. I have to be really choosy: laundry or dishes? Taxes or bills? Call a friend or my mom? Nap or shower? It's never both. Actually if one thing off that whole list happens it's been a great day. I generally only feel good about myself when I've accomplished things in my day. So my new mumlife is a good reminder of the deeper things in life.

Sitting here drinking coffee trying to recall what those are exactly.

Quiet before the (vaccination) Storm

Lulu is sleeping, and the house is empty.  Which means I am alone for the first time in... no idea how long.  Deep breath.  Coffee. Whole wheat english muffin with avocado!  And a few seconds, at least, to consider my soul before the baby wakes up and the vaccine appointment begins. 

I was pretty restless the first week my baby was here (among other things like, ridiculously sore, exhausted, cramping, limping about in shock...).  I actually missed work, I couldn't imagine life at home with her or even just life with her at all.  Her constant disregard for my needs (sleep, total discomfort in the only nursing position that worked) felt so... impolite.  What a way to start a relationship, I thought.  Who are you, little girl to come to my house and demand to be fed SEVERAL times in the middle of the night! But then, then, she began to really grow on me.  She was sweet.  And she started smiling.  And looking around for me when other people held her.  And nuzzling her head so tenderly on my shoulder.  And getting peaceful as soon as I scooped her up as though she realized, Mum has come to rescue!  If I delay changing her diaper/feeding her/suctioning out her stuffy nose/whatever she needs then the peace doesn't last.  But initially, just me holding her seems to give her the assurance that all will be well.  This pic is during the superbowl, week 1 of her life:

What trust!

Yesterday my Mum watched Lulu for a couple hours while I did some things at work. And. I couldn't stand being away from her. Ran out of the office without my coat. Basically galloped home...to a person who didn't exist a year ago, and who split my life (and some body parts) down the middle when she arrived.  There are so many miracles involved in this:  her very beginning to exist, growing perfect skin and bones and hands and a nervous system, her climatic emergence into the world, my body's ability to sustain her now and to heal from her arrival... But maybe the most surprising miracle is the shattering love I feel toward her. Not that I didn't grow up expecting to be a Mum.  Or hoping for it.  But the depth of feeling makes me feel out of control.

--- Brief hiatus to take much needed shower...to my delight, I find her still sleeping!  (breathing?  check)  joy! what a luxurious morning. ---

Have I MENTIONED how cute she is?

I started Love Wins and am excited to write a review.  To add to the millions of reviews of a book that is 

1) not saying anything new and 

2) not saying anything stunningly well but 

3) oh well, everyone's reading it, so it's instigating conversations in the public sphere on hermeneutics, salvation (or should I say soteriology... what kindof blog is this anyways?) and other lovely dogmatic (in a good way) topics that I want to think about and might as well write about too.  

Peace and Grace to my readers, (Christine?)  :)  and to my baby when she gets her shots and to me while I hold her.  

My little bear with her little bear

I'm trying to work from home today but this little girl is pretty distracting...

Motivation is hard to come by.

One heartening piece of news tjough is that I've rediscovered my interest in theology that vaporized when I got pregnant.  I am enjoying (in an angsty way) the blog wars on rob bell's new book Love Wins.  I bought it but have not read it yet.  Like standing on a leg long asleep, I am stretching my thoughts out, easing my weight onto them.  Painful but good. 

The debates going on are good ones:

http://fireandrose.blogspot.com/2011/03/beyond-binaries-response-to-mark-galli_16.html
http://www.albertmohler.com/2011/03/23/a-theological-conversation-worth-having-a-response-to-brian-mclaren/
http://theresurgence.com/2011/03/15/a-chronology-of-rob-bell-on-hell/#video
http://www.foxnews.com/opinion/2011/03/25/goes-hell/

etc.


- is there a cohesive message in Scripture about who is saved and how?
- is God's goodness at odds with his justice (he wishes all could be saved but because he wants us to "be free" it is not possible)
- where are the borders of orthodoxy and what separates broad Protestant liberalism (recovering the kernel of truth from the husk of its Jewish, historical context) from those who dare to ask new (old) questions like the reformers did?  What sounds heretical may just be...insightful. or could just be what i wish were true vs what is true. 

Ill read the book and let you know what i think.  :) 

Glowing Dusk

Today was supposed to be snowy and gray.  Somehow, the sun sneaked through and now - at almost seven! - there is syrupy gold light pouring through my kitchen and dining room window covering our house.  Fresh coffee steam is rising from my mug and my little girl is waking up from a nap in her swing - which means I might not get to write this post.  But I might. 

My schedule is Lulu time:

she is hungry!  

she is tired!

she needs to be changed! 

she has to get shots!

There is no 3:00 pm or 7:30 am or Thursday.  Just Lulu time.  So when the outside world calls and says, "do you want to meet at noon?"  or  "can you check that powerpoint by 4?"  I feel baffled and disinterested.  It all depends.  I can meet you at noon if Lulu is ready at noon.

I know my life won't stay like this.  I'm secretly sad that it won't.

There is a simplicity to things, to my life, to my feelings.  They are so tired to hers - I'm full! yay!  I'm cold, booooh!  I'm having fun in the bath, wooohoo!   What was it in the real world that mattered so much before?  I can't remember. 

Adjustments and dreams of gardening

Lulu slept through the night for the first time.  12:30 - 7:10!  Felt like I must have woken up at 3 am and just forgotten...surely...  Maybe it's a one off but a very welcome one to be sure!

Samm's sister Liz is here and Abby and her husband come on Saturday.  Samm is headed to LA.  Lulu and I will miss him very much.  Hopefully the week will be peaceful and good time with family.  Deep breaths.  Let them in, let them close, let them help me so that it is a mutually joyous week.  

 I feel more alive these days.  Last week I scrubbed the kitchen floor for the first time since moving (last April.)  Yes, I'm embarrassed.  Pregnancy zapped all my cleaning powers!  I could only scrub bad spots... no mopping.  I made my own cleaner with white vinegar, dish soap, baking soda, and boiling water.  It smelled lovely.  I also scrubbed the cabinets down.  What a WONDERFUL feeling! 

I feel hope returning that I may indeed have the energy and motivation again to do something with my life.  Maybe, even, a garden.  That's my huge dream for the spring.  Lofty for me.  I'm good at wanting things to happen, imagining them.  Not so much making them happen.  

THAT CAN CHANGE, right? 

It's gray out but I have big plans to go to Trader Joes.  How bad a day can it be if I am rested and I get to go to Trader Joes!?

My kitchen needs yummy things and my entrance way needs some flowers.  

I'm going to pretend the weather station isn't predicting snow later this week.  

The Birth Story of Mary Lou Oliver Hodges

First of all, our insurance ended two months ago with Samm's old job.  His new coverage which was vastly superior (0$ deductible!) began Feb. 1st.  We decided not to do cobra because it was several thousand dollars, and we could always elect it and backdate it if she came early - all except the last two days in January.  So we prayed and we hoped and we told Lulu  - don't come before February 1st!  And definitely not on January 31st!  

So, January 31st was a normal evening, except for weather predictions of an ice storm of historic proportions.  I did some yoga, started a novel (Home by Marilynn Robinson), and made some raspberry leaf tea.  This tea is supposed to tone your uterus.  I forgot about it, and it steeped for an hour.  At 10:30 pm, I was feeling a little adventurous, and I drank it anyways.  We headed to bed so Samm could get up and go to work early Tuesday to finish a big project.  We got briefly distracted doing the very thing that got us in this situation to begin with... and then fell fast asleep.

Two hours later, half an hour into February, I woke up feeing damp.  Annoyed and unsuspecting, I headed to the bathroom where I suddenly started leaking copious amounts of water.  Clear.  The hair stood up on my neck.  I never expected a text book water break.  Or an early labor.  Oh crap, what day is it, oh it's February now... I woke Samm who shot out of bed when he realized what I was saying.  We called the midwife on duty and I talked so fast she couldn't understand me.  She said to try to get rest (right) and call her if contractions started tonight.  I had 24 hours for labor to start naturally now.  First I ran around like a crazy person, and then Samm coaxed me to come back to bed and try to nap.  He reminded me to take deep breaths and relax... As soon as I did, contractions started gently around 1 am, just pms-type cramps.  They were quite painful in bed, but when I walked around or bounced on my exercise ball, they were totally manageable.
I took a shower and put on eye make up... because I wanted to feel all woman.  Samm started timing contractions and after they were every couple minutes, minute long for an hour he said we should call again.  The midwife on call was not thrilled that we kept calling.  I was worried about the ice storm which was supposed to hit around 4 am - in an hour.  She seemed to think it wouldn't be necessary for me to come in till morning.  When I told her I thought the contractions were starting to come pretty close, she said we could come in "if i wanted."   I wanted.  We grabbed some things and I looked around in shock, realizing we would be bringing  home (hopefully!) a new person with us.  The nursery wasn't (and isn't) done.  I was barely packed.  What should I wear, what should she wear???

It was drizzling at 4 am as we drove across the bridge and looked at the city.  My sister, Helen, who lives with us was in the backseat with the empty car seat and we were all joking and laughing and in high spirits.  My contractions were amazingly manageable ("I almost feel bad that they don't hurt more...").ha.  When we arrived the midwife checked me and announced I was at 1cm, and could go home and labor some more if I wanted.  With the supposed storm brewing and a kindof inner momentum I couldn't explain, I just wanted to settle into the warm, dark birth room and relax.  So Helen and Samm tried to sleep, and I decided to ignore the fact that my contractions had slowed during the exam and that was I wasn't further along.  It was arbitrary, and I chose to embrace labor as imminent.  The sign "birth in progress" on my door buoyed my spirits, and I quietly began to enter "the zone" as piano music played in the background.    I went from the birth ball to the toilet to the bathroom floor...By 7 am I was beside myself, naked, writhing, and losing touch with my senses.  A new midwife and nurse came on duty and let me in the jacuzzi around 7:30 am.  Candles were lit, and I began to sink deep into an inner world of hot white waves of pain.  The hot water felt wonderful, but I was still completely miserable.  The contractions started coming fast.  The nurse reminded me to relax my face and my shoulders and keep my groans deep and low.  I vaguely recognized this to be good advice enough to take it... I began making deep primal oooohs and ahhhhs as a way of mentally climbing through each contraction.  I nearly caught my hair on fire from the candles as I whipped my head back in pain.  Samm left a few times because he didn't want me to see his horror at my suffering.

Around 8:45  I began shaking and feeling like I might puke, so they helped me out of the tub and onto the toilet where I transitioned. I  leaned deeply into the warm words and hands of the midwives.  They covered me with warm towels and kept cool clothes on my forehead and massaged my feet and quietly and seriously encouraged me.   I was only deeply aware of Samm's face and the mounting waves of pain.  At 9:30am I was at 10 cm.  My mom and younger sister Jodi arrived during this time. I made a joke to Jodi that watching ought to be really great birth control for her.  The room felt incredibly hazy. After a blissful break in the intensity, I began to have pushing contractions.  I had no sense of time or space.  I forgot about the baby.  At one point the nurse checked her heartbeat and announced, "baby is happy!"  and I dryly replied, "that's nice."  It was so...rectal!  Like the biggest bowel movement ever.  I was hoarse the next couple days from the yells as I pushed.  Once I could begin to feel my pelvis getting pushed open, I felt terror.  And then the baby was stuck there - so close and torturously low (where there is NO space for a huge baby!!!).  Then the ring of fire - she was crowning.  Everyone was cheering and yelling, I was yelling with all my might, I didn't care that i could feel something deep ripping... and suddenly I felt the shock of movement, something alive and wiggling, and then she was out and wailing at 11:35 am!   The room exploded with joyful shouts of amazement and welcome. Samm was sobbing.  I was overwhelmed with relief and surprise. They put her right on my belly (her cord was too short to go to my chest). Where had this tiny, red, crying person come from!?  So fragile, so tender, so beautiful.  My daughter!  7 lbs 6 oz, 20.5 inches.

The midwives stitched me up for about half an hour while I tried to nurse and stared in awe at my new baby.  Then, the midwives shooed everyone out of the room (a doula, two sisters, my mum, the other midwives, my dad and brother who came in after the birth) and tucked Samm and I in the bed with Lulu curled up on his chest.  She made us breakfast and brought it on a tray with flowers.  We ate by candlelight.  The bliss of that quiet, peaceful, exhausted moment is impossible to describe.  We were entranced by her beauty.

I told Samm yesterday that I know I am supposed to savor these moments of her being so small but I don't know how because they feel like water sliding through my fingers.  The days pass so quickly - she has grown so much already!  He said don't try to hold the water, just dance in it.

Growing a Human

I have lost interest in blogging for a while - among many other things - as a baby has begun to take over my mind and body.  We are 2 and a half weeks from the "due date."  Which means nothing because she'll come whenever she pleases.  

My belly finally got stretch marks, recently.  Abruptly too.  It is like a beach ball, very round, very large.  My back stopped hurting, but I go to a chiropractor every week.  I suspect this is making my life wonderful.  I feel quite happy and content except the times when I suddenly cannot contain buckets of tears.  For example, the very prospect of heading to a different bed than Samm so he can get some sleep while I toss and turn and wander the halls at night made me just lose it.  Cried and cried.  So now we start out together, and then as the night unfolds I move to the futon for hours of tossing and bathroom trips and sneak back into our bed for my alarm in the morning.  That way when he's half awake and so sweet and sleepy, he can wrap his arms around me and feel our little girl push her tiny feet against his arm while our cat sleeps at our tangled feet.  It is one of the most delightful experiences of my life, I think.  

 We hired a doula.  We had Indian food with her tonight.  I am not sure whether I will entirely need her or not, but it seemed like a good idea as birth got closer.  Plus, secretly, I just want to be one and see how it all works.  


I am still working on :
--my birth mix.  must have great music.
--packing my suitcase.  need more candles!  and probably some more practical stuff. peanut butter.
--choosing an outfit to put her in.  Her first outfit. 
--finishing my excel doc of things to do or buy or borrow before she is born.  (Still need:  manual pump, bottles, homemade fleece wipes).  
--remembering all the things I've learned in all my reading about labor.  (My body was made to do this, it knows how, I have to let go of the tension and fear and pain and embrace the miracle of birth... also it may hurt like nothing I've ever dreamed.  etc.) 
--savoring the last few hours/days/weeks?  of pregnancy.  Of the quiet, still moments to think and to be with Samm alone.  


We know we are approaching a sort of waterfall, but the water feels so peaceful right now, so still.