Little Bear is a Little Girl, it turns out

I had to jump around and dance and sing to get the little one to move.  She stubbornly had kept her legs crossed for most of the ultrasound, but I guess the dancing did it at the end, and she finally cooperated.  It feels really surreal thinking of not just a - general baby - but a little girl.  A tiny woman to be.  

I can feel her moving, soft little movements, very gentle at the moment.  I'm told I should enjoy that while it lasts.  The whole thing is so incredibly quick.  So fleeting.  She will keep growing this rapidly for so long.  This little mango (see size chart below, it's cute but incredibly vague) will turn into someone my size or bigger.  She might have size 9 shoes!  Or be tall!  She might not like music at all.  I've been imagining a boy all this time.  I am glad to have some time to let the idea of a girl sink in.  Someone my gender.  

Orange scones and ultrasounds

Fall is creeping over the tops of the trees, and I am feeling 100% wonderful.  The whole summer feels like a blurry dream of naps and horrible smells (such as the house, and all food).  The fall promises a new world of energy, more clean laundry and home-cooked meals, journal entries, and pumpkins everywhere: on my doorstep, in my muffins, at the farmers market.  It is so wonderful to be hungry and awake.

I went to the Midwife's this morning.  Heard Little Bear's heartbeat "thump thump thump thump."  So steady, so fast, so tiny sounding.  You can see I've been making big progress.  this pic was at 9 weeks, about 2 months ago:

And look at me now!  17 weeks and 2 days:  

I scheduled the ultrasound for Sept 20th, so that will probably be the highlight of my life thus far.  Samm is coming and we get to have a DVD of it if we bring a blank one to record on.  This thrills me beyond belief.

I feel guilty knowing how many women want babies.  I feel grateful knowing how many people have them and don't want them or can't really take care of them.  I feel impatient to meet the little person swimming around in my torso.  I also feel sad (this is bizarre) to think of not being pregnant.  There is an intimacy to it that is charming, consoling, calming.  Even sitting on the couch I feel productive because I'm producing a human.  I'm constantly feeding and protecting this little one.  I don't have to start the whole letting-go reality of parenthood until contractions start.  And then it will begin: Releasing my baby into the world, into the care of my flawed and limited conscious.  As opposed to my incredibly reliable and competent sub-conscious which is currently doing a GREAT job keeping track of nutrients, temperature, waste, comfort, affection, etc.  It might be a good 25 years before parenting will be this easy again.  

In the meanwhile, Priory Bakery on E Ohio St makes the most ridiculously moist and flaky orange scones.  I made a tiny french press and tossed some whole cloves in with the coffee.  Perfect combination.  I love September.

Shipping our Baby-Making Overseas

I found this article today about how Indian wombs are cheaper to use than American ones, apparently:  India, the Rent-A-Womb Capital of the World

How has something so spiritual, so personal and so profound become such a thriving... industry?

The Post That Has Been Waiting To Happen

As I surveyed my blog briefly, I noticed that it looked like the blog of someone with babies on the brain.  I had not noticed this until I went to "update" it with the "news" that we are indeed having a baby.  Apparently, this has been a not so subtle obsession for some time.  I have been interested in fertility, in the ethics of birth and family planning, of gender and gardening and... well... I guess it just seems so inevitable and delightful all of a sudden that I am experiencing this very personal side of new growing life.  Inside my tummy.  

We haven't bought (or collected) anything yet, being only 9 weeks and 6 days.  I think in the fall I will start being more serious about a nursery.  Right now it seems more than enough to just survive.  I am ridiculously tired and on top of that I have a bad cold right now, so I'm sick + tired and hence... blogging.  

My friend encouraged me to journal a lot during this time and think about the profound nature of what is happening.  My body is becoming a portal into reality, into the universe, into physical existence.  My body is also being hijacked by a cause that it didn't have before.  But is it really my body making the brain cells, forming the bones, coaxing the heart to beat, knitting the muscles and tendons together?  What about the personality developing?  The tiny nerve endings which will soon begin to sense noise and light and movement?

As tired as I feel (like I have been busy building bones and brain cells all day) I think I can hardly take any credit.  It's happening in the deeps.  So far beneath my level of consciousness that I was shocked when I first saw the baby on the ultrasound.  Shocked that all that had really formed without so much as my vague awareness.  The squirming legs, the tiny fingers and pulsing heart.    

I put a size chart at the bottom of the blog.  Today it's the size of an olive, apparently.  

Frozen human embryos 'not life forms': S.Korean court

May 28 03:34 AM US/Eastern

S.Korea's Constitutional Court has ruled that human embryos left over from ...

South Korea's Constitutional Court has ruled that human embryos left over from fertility treatment are not life forms and can be used for research or destroyed,a court spokesman said Friday.

   In its ruling Thursday the court upheld an existing law allowing the use of  
   leftover embryos for research. The law also allows fertility clinics to dispose of
   frozen embryos five years after fertilisation treatment is completed.
   "The ruling means that human embryos that are in their early stage and are not  
   implanted into a mother's womb cannot be seen as human life forms," the  
   spokesman, Noh Hui-Beom, told AFP.

   The ruling came after a group of 13 people including pro-life activists filed a  
   petition with the court against the current bioethics law, which allows the use of leftover embryos for research.

Following the ruling, shares related to stem-cell research surged on the local market.

It's 1:30 am in Bristol, UK!

And I'm finishing my last paper of the semester...!  oh.my.gosh.

Naturally (no pun intended)  it's about developing an ethical framework for the use of reproductive technology. wooooo. 

And, as I delve into the bloody muddy waters of birth control, roe v wade, rights, creation theology, products, results, in-vitro fertilization (IVF), third party donations, etc, etc, I note with trepidation and an eerie sense of nearness that...

* the adorable, lovely lovely home i am staying in belongs to the gracious and wonderful recipients of an IVF baby who they had made created helped participate in forming and are now raising gratefully and lovingly after years and years of infertility.  

* the first IVF procedure that ever took place was in...lo and behold Bristol, UK.  Right down the road.

* i am probably psychotic and love conspiracy theories.  so i can't tell if any of my thoughts about the booming pharmaceutical/reproductive technology industry  "fueled chiefly by what would induce a woman to keep a prescription, and only if necessary by what was ethically, emotionally, spiritually, or even physically best for the woman" have any basis whatsoever.  

*  who cares, i am so tired. of.  papers.  wrote.  32 pages, at least, last week.  going.  insane.  samm. going. to never let me have babies anyway at this rate because grad school is going to make him run away forever.  

baaaack to that paper.

 

Hodges House

The new place.  Home.  I'm inside that door watching cable TV (whaaat) with Samm and Phin.  Is this my life, really?  We are so all American all of a sudden.  We have a (sort of) yard.  A basement.  A dishwasher.  A Mortgage.  A security system.  Laundry.  

Somehow, even though we are paying less than we were for rent, I feel overwhelmed with comfort and triviality.  With the ease of my life....and by that I mean, the ease of the stuff in my life.  It's all very nice. But makes the substance seem a little obscure.   A little harder to sense.  What is all this about?  Why all the comfort, all the monthly payments, all the cleaning?  I cleaned less when my apartment was less nice to begin with.  Now I clean constantly.  I get annoyed faster.  (maybe, hard to remember).  

But on the other hand, we had my parents and their friends for lunch today, and it was so easy to have four people putting the salad together in the kitchen at once (UNHEARD of in previous kitchen's we've had!)  and then we all sat down on CHAIRS around a TABLE and ate shrimp salad with berries and home made cajun fries and wine.  It was lovely.  And then I was happy to have a nice house.  And last night dear friends happened by and we watched A Virgin in Spring, a beautiful movie about terrible things and grace.  And I was happy we had a tv.  So.  I guess I need to just hold them with an open hand.  Be thankful.  Be generous.  Be ok with or without it.  

Spring-soaked

Pittsburgh is wet with spring, overflowing with muddy rain, misty and glowing and bursting at the tips of its branches. 

My head is ringing with exhaustion.  I sang and played and led worship for SIX services this weekend.  Six.  I am so. tired.  Bed will be delicious. And soon.  Have to unwind.


I took Liz, Samm's sis to the Strip District on Friday for sushi to show off Pittsburgh.  We bought flowers and spread them all through out the living room. We bought gourmet cheese and ate it on the fire escape/"porch" while listening to Yo Yo Ma.  

Here's Liz at our "picnic" which got cold after about ten seconds.  But it was a fabulous ten seconds. 

Here are some flowers we mixed together.  And, of course, had to get daisies.  
In other news... I planted some wildflowers in this happy little orange pot (below) so that when I have a porch/and or garden one day (hopefully in a bout a week) I will have some life to bring with me.  And look.  They are sprouting, the little cuties.  I'm terribly proud.

We went to see The Last Station tonight, about Tolstoy.  I wept.  WAY too close to home, about marriage and the struggle of an being committed to doing art and not getting swept up in comfort.  The film deals with the tensions fairly, showing the need for the love and acceptance of one person and yet the need to do great things "for humanity." I nearly walked out at the beginning because it all felt too raw - the nagging wife, unable to grasp the sacrifices necessary for her husband to make... another house guest I don't know coming... another week with Samm consumed by deadlines... 


But as the story moved, I let it move me, let it calm me.  Let it inspire me to love more and to let go a little bit.  We have a long road ahead of us, for both of us, doing jobs we are so ridiculously lucky to have.  It costs something when you care about what you're doing.  As supportive and life-giving as a partner can be during that - marriage seems to also be the first thing to take the hit when life gets stressful.  We need intimacy, yet it holds us back.  This is good. This is hard.  This is a dance I am learning.    

Oh look, Spring!

Long week ahead.  Should be cleaning the house and doing laundry and doing taxes and going running and writing a couple papers for class... but I was captivated by this little picture.*  Oh Spring.  Thank you for peeking out from the lifeless looking ground.  Yesterday I spent a couple hours at the park mostly just staring into space and people watching: an older couple wheeled a hospital bed with a shriveled little person around the pond, as though it were a stroller.  A pretty white mommy played with her tiny boy who could only sort of toddle, but he toddle he did - exuberantly.  An older man with a remote controlled sail boat.  A miniature football game between a little black boy and girl - the girl galloping around in circles with the ball, the boy falling to his knees with a moan as the game was treated so frivolously. 


In other news, Samm and I now have health insurance (through his work).  And also, lots of millions of other people are going to get it too hopefully.  I am both chagrined by the political drama and full of hope that our health care system will become slightly less ridiculous as a result of the new rules for insurance.  We will see.  I guess it will take a few decades to be sure what it all means.  I guess I can hope in the meantime.


* This picture is completely stolen from Rachel and Dan Jamison. Hope they don't mind.  

Somewhere in the Middle of Dreams and Reality

Unrelated to real life...what if you found out you were 9 MONTHS PREGNANT???
http://health.msn.com/pregnancy/articlepage.aspx?cp-documentid=100148059

That would be pretty crazy.
But I'm pretty sure I'm not.  Pretty sure.  Apparently you never know.
------
We just looked at a lovely space above the little post office of E Ohio St (kindof a little Northside Main street for those of you who don't live here) for Samm to set up office for his TV SHOW.  We are pretty excited.  We want to paint it, and make it super chill and welcoming and inspiring for artists and friends.  


I have been reviewing my life dream/plan/goal of Prof-hood.  It is a lovely idea, a worthy goal, and one that I think I could enjoy.  But.  I have all these little pesky question marks that keep getting louder.  


Samm wants me to quit grad school for my own sanity which  is directly linked to his sanity,  turns out.
Opposing quote from gmail-chat this week with Schmutzer (my prof in undergrad)

      Andrew: come back and teach, you got my vote

So
              ?  How much debt is this going to take/be worth

    ?  How many friends will I not be able to invest in/hang out with to actually get a PHD

    ?  Will I pursue that instead of songwriting (worship and or singer-songwriter stuff)

    ? Will I pursue that instead of LIVING (baking, gardening, reading, cleaning, running, praying, growing)

    ?  Should I pursue music instead (not in hopes of making money, but in hopes of making good art)

    ?  How will pursuing this educational career affect my marriage and my ability to support what Samm is doing now (and it takes A LOT of support for his career, he will be traveling and working a lot.  I will need to pick up a lot of the pieces at home, literally)

    ?  How can I invest myself in the future when there is so much great opportunity in the present?  I love my new job, I love life on the northside, I love the volunteer opportunities that I seriously don't have time for right now as a student.  (like Creative Cave with the elementary kids from Up For Reading...)

    ?  Is there some kind of unique path I can find where I read intellectual things, process theology, and then live life as opposed to teaching college classes? 

?  Is an MA still worth finishing ETTHER WAY?

??? How much is possible in one life, in one season of life.

Little fact about me: my lists of things I hope to accomplish in a day (when I make them) are always entirely unrealistic.  1. Read Theology of the Body (600+ pages) 2. Blog about it. 3. Plant a garden  4. Clean the fridge  5. Do taxes  6. Vacuum.  7. Have coffee with three people.  8. Watch 30 Rock.  9. Do actual WORK (the paid kind)  10. Don't spend 3 hours on Facebook

In reality:  if I clean the fridge and don't spend 3 hours on facebook I will be VERY PROUD of myself today.
Maybe I need to work on my goals and make them a little more realistic. Or maybe not.  Coffee, anyone?

Samm got me white tulips for valentines day

and dark actually wonderful chocolate.  and a little tree, well, three trees that are intertwined.  he's so romantic.  


I am coming over the brow of the hill right now.  Finished my job.  basically.  And the house is supposed to be finished in a week or so.  And things are starting to stabilize around here.  Now if only we could get some sunshine. 

I was enchanted, now I'm bored

SNOW.  is getting old.  




Wednesday I traipsed around for hours bored of being inside - I bought some very expensive hot cocoa at the post office/shop because that's what happens when you're bored and most shops are closed due to "severe weather."  

Actually, it might have been worth $6.  It's pretty decadent. This is a cup that went way to fast.  So here are some things I saw:

 You can see I was out for a while.  You can also see I was very concerned about the amount of snow and coldness.  

My attempt to combat the winter-trappedness today was to wear my bathrobe much longer than was appropriate and to spend hours making decoupage letters "HODGES" with Samm for our new house.  We covered the letters in pages from an old dictionary.  So the "H" has definitions for words that start with "H" etc.  Oh. So. Fun.  We also made pizza.  Home made crust, i was nervous, but it was pretty crispy and delicious if I do say so.  

Spring.  I need you real bad.  Please hurry.
The forecast is:  snow flurries snow, chances of more snow.

I'm buzzed.

On buzz - google is taking over all of life even some more. 
On coffee. as usual.  
On Maralynn.  She's here and my life is better for it,
   oriented better: to love well, to pray more, to think more gently and just think more about other people in general. It's like the good parts of me, often simmering with lots of selfish and apathetic parts of me, come swimming to the surface.  This is good. 

On dates with Samm.  I have to go...

My tulips are confused and so is my biology

So here are my little red tulips.  They think...spring is here!  Yay for warmth and sunshine!  Joy!  No, little flowers.  It is 9 degrees outside.  You are confused because you are in my warm kitchen.
And that is how I feel too.  I am getting a house (!!!!!) next month and turning 25 also and just feeling a deep deep nesting feeling that is inconvenient and unhelpful for one main reason (Samm) and one minor reason (grad school, career, etc. HA.)  
So there's no urgency except my little biology going nutzo thinking it's spring.  It's just the new kitchen.  Calm down, dear.


In other news, I am a new girl with a new look that makes me feel like I ought to rename myself because it's so different!  Here is sleepy me after a long day in jury/makeup long gone/eyes can't focus anymore:

And woooo the hair looks cool, right?  Like, as Mel said...I'm a hot mama.  Except, well.  Not a mama.  EHEM.

This is wilder than I've ever looked. Ha.  Yippie!


Below is me excited about both my hair and also excited about sipping this hot whisky-eggnog concoction while sitting in my old rocking chair that I got for free in someone's yard (had a sign, don't worry...) 

:

Life is getting carried away with itself these days.  Phin, 22 yr old bro-in-law moved in and we all play board games, watch movies, eat, clean (or don't), and share life's joys such as toothaches at the ER... I started 3 lovely and challenging classes:   * Medieval Christian History * Christian Ethics * Readings on Barth and Aquinas  Yum.  So wonderfully enlightening!  I'll even let you see the textbooks I have bought for these classes... (i'm getting wildly good at posting pictures) Please note the hot pink Barth Church Dogmatics Vol. IV 1  Now I want them all.  This volume (out of 12) is about incarnation and reconciliation.  And yes!  That is Placher on top for those of you who took CWC  with McDuffee!!!! Good times, those.    

I will post soon about my job change, because it's huge in my heart and time and life.  But too huge to post about now.  My eyes are rebelling against me and they are winning.  Good night dears.