I Love My Husband But I also Love...

Fernando Ortega.  Samm has never understood my love for Fernando.  (warning: it's very religious) Fair enough.  He is excited about the new J-Z/Kanye West Album. (warning: it's got the F-word).  I am excited about the new liturgical, piano-driven accoustic Fernando album "Come Down, O Love  Divine."  Which is not youtube, of course, since probably only ten other people even care that it's released.  

 
I do, technically, like both new albums. 


He wants to move to LA.  At some point anyways.

I want to plant my roots and let them grow deep, deep.  Literally - I want old trees that are my friends, a garden with perennials that I greet every spring when they emerge again.  I want friendships that deepen and grow with time.  I want to pour my life into something that I can commit to:  a new church, or maybe an old church, a new non-profit, something that will be around potentially for a while.  


He wants new things, wants to grow and be challenged in ways that make Pittsburgh only a temporary city.  Maybe a few years. 


What would happen, i wonder, if Jay Z and Fernando made an album?   Ha. 

6 Month Job Performance Review

 I've been an official Mom for 6 months now (Aug. 1st) .  Seems like an appropriate time to take stock.  

I have a lot of grand theories about sexuality, gender, and fertility.  Well a few theories.  Mostly just that they all really matter, that they are deeply linked to our souls.  New babies are an anti-death.  Sex is supposed to be personal.  Woman are equal to men but... something in us... is just different then men.  A few things.  Hmm.

Theories.  

Now we have some reality in the mix.  A new baby squawking for attention, cooing and grinning when I pick her up from her crib, giggling when Samm plays peek-a-boo, doing this new hand dance/attempt at a wave.  She is sitting up now.  Has two bottom teeth.  Saying "la-la-la-la-la."   A quickly emerging personhood, a sense of self.  

And jobs and sex and gender "roles" (ok, i am the ONLY one who can breast feed her';that is a role.  it just is.)  are suddenly cast in a new light.  I am not Lulu's only provider, only parent.  But I am her only Mom.  

So what does me being a mom mean?  And how am I doing?  

I have three things that come to mind:

     a)  provide for her basic needs:
  - put on clean diapers. Cloth diapers have been  so fun - who knew?  Thought this would be a real downer part of being a mom.
  - feed her.  breast feeding started out so hard, SO HARD.  and then now, my favorite part of the day.  so deeply personal and simple and sweet and lovely.)
 - offer [relatively] clean clothes and crib and safe car seat and a roof over her head  - except for occasional walks in the rain,  those are good.

     b) show her she is worthy of love
 - play with her
- talk to her
- bring her with me places, share my friends and home and plans with her.
- hold her, cuddle time.  nose nuzzling.  sometimes we lay down and stare into each others' faces and chat.  I say, "You are my little bear!"  and she says, "blaaaahh, ahhhhh  la la," and "pthhhhhhsp"  which I think means "You are my mama bear!"

     c) teach her the best I can how to live well
- first thing:  obey mama and papa.  eventually teachers and babysitters.  actually, is that first?
- second thing:  learn to take of herself.  Beginning with eating solid food.  Harder than it looks.
- third thing (ok, so these aren't really in order.): respect people.
- fourth thing:  everything important in life.  gosh, i don't know.  what are the next things?  what is my job to teach her?  where the world comes from?  why people are good?  why people are bad?  how you make friends?  how you do math?  how you play piano?  how to do your hair.  how to make pizza.  how to put on a bra.  how to make coffee.  how to celebrate Christmas!  wheeeeee!

So.  How am i doing?   It's almost entirely instinct so far.  She is too cute not to talk to, to cuddle.  Diapers, feeding, these have to happen so she doesn't cry.  Automatic.   My main weakness is geting too distracted by other things.  Other people.  Bigger people than who who seem more important.  Like their needs and their approval are more important than hers.    Host Shabbat! Have new moms for coffee!  Go to more meetings at work!  Plan and dream about new programs and ideas to help more people at work!  Oh, what's that noise in the background... it's Lulu.  "la la la la la."  Almost forgot about you.  You are so tiny.


So, review.  You're doing pretty well, Self.   Good job being affectionate, keeping her alive so far, and feeding her...  She's gigantic.  90% height, 75% weight.  Good job staying calm.  That was my mantra the first few months, stay calm, stay calm, stay calm.

Areas for improvement:  more walks in the park.  Start reading to her more.  Keep having grace with her and with yourself.  More grace as she starts to crawl and get into everything. Embrace the adventure of it.  Dirt!  Spilled drinks!  Emptied purses!  Ha. And guard the time with her.   And if I'm going to keep working more, I need to say NO to other things.  I need to keep her ...not the center of my life or my attention all the time... but high up on my priorities.

I think the best things about me are a result of my mom letting me play in the woods, make forts in the living room, and reading aloud together constantly.  She spent a lot of  down time with us.  So, I should try to do that too, I think.

Ok, well now I'm ignoring her to write a blog, so I should end this post...