To do and to be

I think in terms of to-do lists.  It's kindof depressing sometimes.  I should think in "to be lists."  Oh well. 

Here is today's TO DO

-Clean the house for Shabbat!  

-Wash diapers

-Find lightbulbs for the kitchen.  It's getting dark in there.

-Taxes - !  yeah.  we filed for an extension, don't worry.  

-Scholarship app -  would love to go back to school in the fall.  Trinity is my Hogwarts.  Or at least for now.  (Would be fun to study somewhere a little more majestic looking one day.  But the classes are epic and inspiring.  i miss them)

-Record a song for my friend's art collaboration blog.  I haven't PLAYED in ages.  I just kindof forgot about it all year.  Can't decide if I'm dragging my feet because I ought to focus on other things (like my daughter, Shabbat) or if those become excuses from being honest through art.  Hard to say.  

- post office.  we have a package to pickup, yay!  

- goodwill.  need more wine glasses for shabbat.  people always end up drinking out of odd containers.  

And while we're at it, here is a TO BE list for today: 

- calm.  

- patient.  with myself.  for being sad.  it's ok to be sad sometimes.

- full of spring.  the sky is gray - but filled with water for my future garden, for the flowers.  

- listening to this song:  

Spring

Look out for Spring,
the life underground,
the life underground.
The thawing and the overflow.
Oh early, early in the morning
we’ll go.

Seven shades of green
are painted on your door,
painted on your door,
the field alive under the snow.
Oh early, early in the morning.
we’ll go.

Oh world of rooftops,
hearing one field song.
The walk in raincoats,
the wait for Easter, Tom.
We are awake or waking,
awake or waking from.

Here that day comes.  

Taco Time!

So I watched Food Inc.  Echhh.  No real surprises but watching the cow get yanked down an assembly line - alive - held upside down by his hove was sobering.  Made me want to cry that I have been the consumer wanting the cheapest meat... I am the reason those animals are treated like that, and those employees are treated so poorly... My purchase is my vote!  Ahhh so convicting.  God must be very grieved to see His creation treated like that.  I am. 

  So it is with real pleasure that I made these vegetarian YUMMY tacos for lunch today.   I use half red quinoa and half soy chorizo for the "ground beef." So tons of low fat protein and looks meatish. Then red peppers, garlic, taco seasoning and this time some fresh lime juice...

Yum!  Oh my gosh.  So good.  Better with avocado, but it's a recession folks.   Also, off topic, I should use cloth napkins all the time!! Look how adorable that one is... Cloth diapering has made me rethink my whole life.  But that's another post.  Which I need to write.

Lu lu has been breaking my heart by being so cute lately.  She grins and coos at us... this soft sweet little coo that makes you want to jump and down with delight and awe (which I often do).

She giggled for the first time this weekend for Samm... she is a papa's girl.  And he is smitten.  He runs in the door, asks anxiously if she is awake, and then scoops her up enthusiastically to catch up on the day.  She only gets nearly that excited for me when I give her a bath.  

Holy Week. Thinking about life after life after death, as Nt Wright calls it.  Thinking about new life.  About what will happen to our bodies one day.   Wishing I had more time to think... 

 Ok, Lulu, I'm coming...!

Sleepless in pittsburgh

This morning, finally waving the white flag and admitting I wasn't getting any more sleep, I hoisted lulu over my shoulder(by far the easiest way to hold her) and headed for dougs market. This morning called for half and half in my coffee and maybe even a very naughty pastry. The said pastries turned out to be 460 calories (for the wrapped cinnamon rolls...!) so I went with a donut instead which was less calories somehow. Lulu and I are now sitting on the back porch in short sleeves while I drink my coffee. Summer is visiting for the day and the warmth is glorious.

I get soooo little done now. I have to be really choosy: laundry or dishes? Taxes or bills? Call a friend or my mom? Nap or shower? It's never both. Actually if one thing off that whole list happens it's been a great day. I generally only feel good about myself when I've accomplished things in my day. So my new mumlife is a good reminder of the deeper things in life.

Sitting here drinking coffee trying to recall what those are exactly.

Quiet before the (vaccination) Storm

Lulu is sleeping, and the house is empty.  Which means I am alone for the first time in... no idea how long.  Deep breath.  Coffee. Whole wheat english muffin with avocado!  And a few seconds, at least, to consider my soul before the baby wakes up and the vaccine appointment begins. 

I was pretty restless the first week my baby was here (among other things like, ridiculously sore, exhausted, cramping, limping about in shock...).  I actually missed work, I couldn't imagine life at home with her or even just life with her at all.  Her constant disregard for my needs (sleep, total discomfort in the only nursing position that worked) felt so... impolite.  What a way to start a relationship, I thought.  Who are you, little girl to come to my house and demand to be fed SEVERAL times in the middle of the night! But then, then, she began to really grow on me.  She was sweet.  And she started smiling.  And looking around for me when other people held her.  And nuzzling her head so tenderly on my shoulder.  And getting peaceful as soon as I scooped her up as though she realized, Mum has come to rescue!  If I delay changing her diaper/feeding her/suctioning out her stuffy nose/whatever she needs then the peace doesn't last.  But initially, just me holding her seems to give her the assurance that all will be well.  This pic is during the superbowl, week 1 of her life:

What trust!

Yesterday my Mum watched Lulu for a couple hours while I did some things at work. And. I couldn't stand being away from her. Ran out of the office without my coat. Basically galloped home...to a person who didn't exist a year ago, and who split my life (and some body parts) down the middle when she arrived.  There are so many miracles involved in this:  her very beginning to exist, growing perfect skin and bones and hands and a nervous system, her climatic emergence into the world, my body's ability to sustain her now and to heal from her arrival... But maybe the most surprising miracle is the shattering love I feel toward her. Not that I didn't grow up expecting to be a Mum.  Or hoping for it.  But the depth of feeling makes me feel out of control.

--- Brief hiatus to take much needed shower...to my delight, I find her still sleeping!  (breathing?  check)  joy! what a luxurious morning. ---

Have I MENTIONED how cute she is?

I started Love Wins and am excited to write a review.  To add to the millions of reviews of a book that is 

1) not saying anything new and 

2) not saying anything stunningly well but 

3) oh well, everyone's reading it, so it's instigating conversations in the public sphere on hermeneutics, salvation (or should I say soteriology... what kindof blog is this anyways?) and other lovely dogmatic (in a good way) topics that I want to think about and might as well write about too.  

Peace and Grace to my readers, (Christine?)  :)  and to my baby when she gets her shots and to me while I hold her.