Spring-soaked

Pittsburgh is wet with spring, overflowing with muddy rain, misty and glowing and bursting at the tips of its branches. 

My head is ringing with exhaustion.  I sang and played and led worship for SIX services this weekend.  Six.  I am so. tired.  Bed will be delicious. And soon.  Have to unwind.


I took Liz, Samm's sis to the Strip District on Friday for sushi to show off Pittsburgh.  We bought flowers and spread them all through out the living room. We bought gourmet cheese and ate it on the fire escape/"porch" while listening to Yo Yo Ma.  

Here's Liz at our "picnic" which got cold after about ten seconds.  But it was a fabulous ten seconds. 

Here are some flowers we mixed together.  And, of course, had to get daisies.  
In other news... I planted some wildflowers in this happy little orange pot (below) so that when I have a porch/and or garden one day (hopefully in a bout a week) I will have some life to bring with me.  And look.  They are sprouting, the little cuties.  I'm terribly proud.

We went to see The Last Station tonight, about Tolstoy.  I wept.  WAY too close to home, about marriage and the struggle of an being committed to doing art and not getting swept up in comfort.  The film deals with the tensions fairly, showing the need for the love and acceptance of one person and yet the need to do great things "for humanity." I nearly walked out at the beginning because it all felt too raw - the nagging wife, unable to grasp the sacrifices necessary for her husband to make... another house guest I don't know coming... another week with Samm consumed by deadlines... 


But as the story moved, I let it move me, let it calm me.  Let it inspire me to love more and to let go a little bit.  We have a long road ahead of us, for both of us, doing jobs we are so ridiculously lucky to have.  It costs something when you care about what you're doing.  As supportive and life-giving as a partner can be during that - marriage seems to also be the first thing to take the hit when life gets stressful.  We need intimacy, yet it holds us back.  This is good. This is hard.  This is a dance I am learning.    

Oh look, Spring!

Long week ahead.  Should be cleaning the house and doing laundry and doing taxes and going running and writing a couple papers for class... but I was captivated by this little picture.*  Oh Spring.  Thank you for peeking out from the lifeless looking ground.  Yesterday I spent a couple hours at the park mostly just staring into space and people watching: an older couple wheeled a hospital bed with a shriveled little person around the pond, as though it were a stroller.  A pretty white mommy played with her tiny boy who could only sort of toddle, but he toddle he did - exuberantly.  An older man with a remote controlled sail boat.  A miniature football game between a little black boy and girl - the girl galloping around in circles with the ball, the boy falling to his knees with a moan as the game was treated so frivolously. 


In other news, Samm and I now have health insurance (through his work).  And also, lots of millions of other people are going to get it too hopefully.  I am both chagrined by the political drama and full of hope that our health care system will become slightly less ridiculous as a result of the new rules for insurance.  We will see.  I guess it will take a few decades to be sure what it all means.  I guess I can hope in the meantime.


* This picture is completely stolen from Rachel and Dan Jamison. Hope they don't mind.  

Somewhere in the Middle of Dreams and Reality

Unrelated to real life...what if you found out you were 9 MONTHS PREGNANT???
http://health.msn.com/pregnancy/articlepage.aspx?cp-documentid=100148059

That would be pretty crazy.
But I'm pretty sure I'm not.  Pretty sure.  Apparently you never know.
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We just looked at a lovely space above the little post office of E Ohio St (kindof a little Northside Main street for those of you who don't live here) for Samm to set up office for his TV SHOW.  We are pretty excited.  We want to paint it, and make it super chill and welcoming and inspiring for artists and friends.  


I have been reviewing my life dream/plan/goal of Prof-hood.  It is a lovely idea, a worthy goal, and one that I think I could enjoy.  But.  I have all these little pesky question marks that keep getting louder.  


Samm wants me to quit grad school for my own sanity which  is directly linked to his sanity,  turns out.
Opposing quote from gmail-chat this week with Schmutzer (my prof in undergrad)

      Andrew: come back and teach, you got my vote

So
              ?  How much debt is this going to take/be worth

    ?  How many friends will I not be able to invest in/hang out with to actually get a PHD

    ?  Will I pursue that instead of songwriting (worship and or singer-songwriter stuff)

    ? Will I pursue that instead of LIVING (baking, gardening, reading, cleaning, running, praying, growing)

    ?  Should I pursue music instead (not in hopes of making money, but in hopes of making good art)

    ?  How will pursuing this educational career affect my marriage and my ability to support what Samm is doing now (and it takes A LOT of support for his career, he will be traveling and working a lot.  I will need to pick up a lot of the pieces at home, literally)

    ?  How can I invest myself in the future when there is so much great opportunity in the present?  I love my new job, I love life on the northside, I love the volunteer opportunities that I seriously don't have time for right now as a student.  (like Creative Cave with the elementary kids from Up For Reading...)

    ?  Is there some kind of unique path I can find where I read intellectual things, process theology, and then live life as opposed to teaching college classes? 

?  Is an MA still worth finishing ETTHER WAY?

??? How much is possible in one life, in one season of life.

Little fact about me: my lists of things I hope to accomplish in a day (when I make them) are always entirely unrealistic.  1. Read Theology of the Body (600+ pages) 2. Blog about it. 3. Plant a garden  4. Clean the fridge  5. Do taxes  6. Vacuum.  7. Have coffee with three people.  8. Watch 30 Rock.  9. Do actual WORK (the paid kind)  10. Don't spend 3 hours on Facebook

In reality:  if I clean the fridge and don't spend 3 hours on facebook I will be VERY PROUD of myself today.
Maybe I need to work on my goals and make them a little more realistic. Or maybe not.  Coffee, anyone?